Kudos to my friend, Alan, of Polyamory in the News, who recently posted the following to a discussion group with regard to public advocacy for polyamory. It applies equally well for those seeking guidelines to determine whether polyamory may be right for them and any existing relationship.
Alan says:
If we have a PR message to put out -- and I believe that we do -- here's my take on what it should be:
Polyamory can work wonderfully for some minority of people. But to
work, it requires:
** High ethical standards: honesty, communication, and a readiness to choose the difficult right over the easy wrong.
** A commitment to learning ways to make relationships and communication work well. This often entails time and attention for personal-growth work.
** Reading up on the hard-won wisdom that the poly community has accumulated.
** A kind and generous heart.
Even then it's not for everyone, not for most, and this is okay; don't let anyone buffalo you into it. If you do go for it, don't expect it to be easy, certainly not at first. But for some small minority of people, it can open up dazzling new worlds of joy and wonder that most never imagine.
1 comment:
t won’t be long before there is a reality Poly Bachelor TV show I guess especially with the exposure it’s been getting lately, hell we talked about it as it isn’t easy to find that fit; just finding each other is hard enough. My wife and I, married 11 wonderful years have experienced amazing things on our search for the perfect partner. Some of which has prompted us to write a book about it which is in progress and for the fun side we also write short stories documenting actual experiences. What I realized is most don’t hear the truth about what it takes so I decided to share some with you.
I forgot as they are just part of us but also some very important rules that we have built into our relationship to keep us sane… This isn’t a how to book but so many people say “i want what you guys have” then show up a month later with someone saying “look, I found someone that’s just like you guys” and we are thinking, how is this person just like us? The fact is, they didn’t understand what it was we do or how, they just saw the sex.
Some things that I don’t see with most relationships much less individuals
• The want to build each other’s confidence yet patient enough to notice and change when one of you have lost yours.
• Using positive motivation to make changes as a team instead of, well instead of belittling your partner thus putting them farther in a hole
• Understanding that relationships are a constant power play and if recognized can be manipulated to achieve amazing things but if ignored will destroy the team and each other
• The combined want to be happy and the ability to make it so
• The want to see your partner, friends and family to do the best they can and not wish against them
• Finding a way to communicate truthfully but being cautios as everyword you say although needs to be heard should be formed to help… It’s easy for conversations to make a partner feel as if they are constantly doing something wrong or what they do is never enough and it both of your responsibility to care and watch for this
• Although you are a team, you do not own your partner, you can’t or shouldn’t tell them what they should or should not wear but you should be able to ask with the belief that the other will seriously consider it
Our Rules or little things that we created
• Don’t sweat the small stuff
(addendum_) - If I forgot, don’t bring up the past!! If you forgive then you shouldn’t use it down the road to win a fight.
• Don’t go to bed angry, hell don’t go to bed separately, we haven’t in 11 years (except when she flies) and very rarely
• Argue to solve a problem not to win, if you want to fight get boxing gloves but if all you do is fight review what it is you want in life and why you are where you are
• If you have forgiven for a mistake in the past, don’t bring it up, don’t use it, and don’t dwell on it as it will change the way you think
• Don’t ever threaten to leave each other during a fight
• Don’t slander each other during a fight
• Realize human nature and what it is you will do for your partner and what your partner will do for you and that includes making mistakes on the belief that it might hurt
• Open your mind and truly think what your partner may see, may be thinking and realize it’s human to see things in your own way even if it is wrong, one of the hardest emotions to deal with but also one that will destroy a couple… If your paranoid by nature, forget it, this will have a reverse effect
• Don’t ever go number 2 in front of your partner
• Realize that there is a difference between a mistake or being deceptive and malicious
• Oh, don’t bring your problems to your friends or family REAlLY FUCKING IMPORTANT, it’s your side of the story and although it may make you feel good, you are breaking down the view that your friends and family have of your partner and that is irresponsible and unfixable
• Make your own damn rules, these are mine and they work but they don’t take any effort, they aren’t memorized or written in stone but to us they are important
Now, granted my wife is a flight attendant and is gone 9 days a month (we still talk on the phone every other hour) but we love hanging out together we have no want to go out separately and haven’t in 11 years… Yes, she has went out with friends at work and has some stories to tell but we want to be together, if someone doesn’t accept my girl or tries to take me away from that under the guise of a guys night out, hell, she can hang with any guy I know and besides, I love looking at her ass and so do most of my friends.
Post a Comment