My Videos on Poly/Mono Relationships and Resolving Jealousy on KinkAcademy.com

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Dear Margo Makes a Prediction About Mainstream Polyamory Acceptance

Today's "Dear Margo" addresses polyamory once again.  Somewhere in the Heartland's intelligently-written letter questioning monogamy ostensibly from the point of view of a monogamous partner with a poly partner lobbies for the poly partner's right to be who they are.  Though there is no real question, Margo offers her very brief opinion without condemnation .   

(One of my principle focuses in providing polyamory educational resources is poly/mono relationships.  I give a workshop on the subject and make the handout available on my website). 

I must say, SITH's letter sounds for all the world like it was written by the poly partner instead of the mono partner, but if that is not the case, then this mono man's poly wife is a lucky person indeed. It's a challenge for many mono partners to take such a fair-minded stance, and understandably so.

SITH makes the point that it is bad for closeted gay people to deny who they are and uses that as an analogy to justify the importance of permitting a poly partner to live a poly life. Interestingly, this time Margo's response is to basically say that when it comes to monogamy, some feel one way and some another, but regardless .....

I believe the gay community will clear all the cultural and societal hurdles and prejudices long before the open marriage or polyamory crowds.

After which she signs off "Margo, psychically." Time will tell whether Margo has it right. The truth in that statement will largely depend on how much polyamorists are willing to support advocacy organizations like Loving More.

Margo Howard (daughter of Ann Landers) writes a syndicated advice column in which in the past she has (a) made erroneous statements about polyamory, (b) retracted them after the community wrote to correct her misstatements, and (c) more than a year later responded to someone in an MFM triad looking for a fourth a bit ascerbically but generally much better than the first time she addressed the subject.   Today's letter is the fourth time she's addressed the subject of polyamory, and she certainly seems to be applying what she's learned, for which we can all be grateful.  If you're willing, it would be good to write to her and say as much, as I am going to do.

Poly/Mono Relating at Poly Living Feb. 27 through March 1 Philadelphia

Note to my readers: I will be presenting a new program at this year's Poly Living. We continue to see a steady influx of poly/mono couples who are trying to make their relationships work - I hope this will provide them some assistance.

Making Lemonade: The Poly/Mono Journey

Probably the greatest challenge in finding what works to resolve conflict in polyamorous relationships is working out the challenge that arises when one partner is polyamorous and the other is monogamous. How do people manage? Is it even possible to find mutual happiness under such circumstances?

The good news is that yes, it is. This workshop will explore the ways in which poly/mono relationships wither for some and thrive for others. It is based on the responses to a recent call for survey responses from both poly and mono partners in ongoing contemporary poly/mono relationshiips. Come hear their stories - you will find great benefit in hearing their insights and lessons learned.

Every effort will be made to present this workshop and conduct the discussion sensitively to the experiences of the monogamous partners as well as the polyamorous partners. A useful handout and time for discussion will be included.

So please stop by for this program and discussion - it promises to include lively discussion and debate. (Respectfully done, of course.)

Here are the Poly Living details:

Save Money, Use Coupon Code: PL2009G by Feb. 20th 2009
Save 10% per person when three or more sign up together.

YES Poly Living is Back for yet another fantastic year and it will be here before you know it!!!

This February join polyamorists from all over the country for the fourth Poly Living conference in honor of Poly Living's Creator George Marvil*. Over a hundred open, intelligent and fun loving people will descend on the Fort Washington Hotel outside Philadelphia for three days. Our fun filled weekend will feature nationally and regionally known presenters, including a keynote presentation from Cunning Minx of Polyamory Weekly

Poly Living's workshops range from basic to advanced and from intellectual to experiential, covering topics both fun and serious like:

Creating Intimacy
Polyamory 101 & 201
Being single & poly
Rebuilding broken trust
Secondary's survival skills
Legal issues for Polys
Exploring other Relationship
Creative Flirting and more

Conference Info

Loving More Presents "Poly Living 2009"
February 27th - March 1st 2009, Philadelphia Metro Area, PA
Fort Washington Hotel Conference

Registration and more information available at here.

Saturday Evening Events

Join us for the Cuddle Party® AND an Literary Erotic Salon.

About Us:

Loving More® is a non-profit organization and magazine dedicated to information, education and support of polyamory and polyamorous relationships. We are working currently to get our 501c(3) status which is an IRS designation that will make donations tax deductible. We are a national organization and resource for people who wish to live outside traditional monogamy responsibly and with integrity. We call it polyamory or Loving More. Our goal is to support relationships based on love, commitment, growth, respect for diversity, honesty, and personal responsibility, to help distribute books relevant to polyamory, to host conferences and workshops, and to act as a national clearinghouse and public forum for the polyamorous movement.

Loving More® Magazine — since 1991 we have been the only magazine dedicated exclusively to topics involving Polyamory-multi-partner relating. We have issues both past and present that cover all different styles and logistics of polyamorous relating for the person new to or exploring polyamory for the first time to long term polyamorous person. There is information on families, parenting, sexuality, dealing with jealousy, finding compersion and much more.

The Washington Post Article "Pairs with Spares" says...

"When you watch people interact at Poly Living, it can seem that we humans have no idea what makes people happy inside relationships, or what arrangements people need to navigate the world."

Attendees have said:

" It was amazing, I fell in love with a new partner."

"I was very happy with the wonderful workshops."

"I liked that there was a lot more focus on RELATIONSHIPS and relating and less focus on sex..."

" Your conference changed my life!"

“It was a stupendous gathering and I got more then I expected”

Contact us to sign up for our workshops, retreats, magazine, information or to donate: Lovingmore@lovemore.com

Loving More Non-Profit Organization.
PO BOX 4358
Boulder, CO 80306

© 2009 Loving More Non-Profit Organization. All Rights Reserved.

Dark Odyssey Winter Fire This Weekend

This Friday through Sunday the phenominal conference Dark Odyssey Winter Fire happens in Washington, DC. It's producers describe it as follows:

DARK ODYSSEY : A journey of sexual adventure, where open minded people gather to explore Tantra, Polyamory, Intimate Communications, BDSM, Alternative Lifestyles and more. With nationally known presenters, hands on workshops, intriguing lectures and exciting social events, experience a vacation you are sure to not forget.

DO is indeed a wonderful event with a top notch staff and programs (she says modestly.) For more information about Dark Odyssey, visit the DO website.

I will be presenting a new program on Sunday afternoon at 2:00 p.m. entitled The Pain and Pleasure of Poly/Mono Relationships, which I describe as follows:

Probably the greatest challenge in finding what works to resolve conflict in polyamorous relationships is working out the challenge that arises when one partner is polyamorous and the other is monogamous. How do people manage? Is it even possible to find mutual happiness under such circumstances? This workshop will explore the ways in which poly/mono relationships wither for some and thrive for others. Every effort will be made to present this workshop and conduct the discussion sensitively to the experiences of the monogamous partners as well as the polyamorous partners. Poly/mono couples and groups who have a story to tell are especially welcome. A useful handout and ample time for discussion will be included.

If you're attending DO, please come on by and check it out! And keep an eye out for the handout - it will be posted next week under "Downloadable Documents" on practicalpolyamory.com

Call for Poly/Mono Relationship Stories

I am deep in development of an educational program on relationships where one partner is polyamorous and one prefers monogamy. To that end, I'm seeking personal stories and lists of both what to do and why, and what NOT to do and why.

This program will be presented for the first time at Dark Odyssey Winter Fire on Sunday, February 15 at 2:00 p.m. It will be presented at the Poly Living Conference the weekend of ebruary 27 to March 1, and I expect I'll be presenting it at other conferences as well later in the year. By participating you have an opportunity to help others by sharing the lessons you have learned along your poly/mono journey.

I will be happy to give you credit in the program handout upon request. If you must remain anonymous I will use a pseudonym for you, but do let me know about that up front at the top of your response.

By the way, I especially welcome the stories of the monogamous partners and promise to treat them respectfully. I intend to present a fair and balanced perspective on the challenges and rewards of this kind of relationship.

If you are willing, please cut and paste the questions below into an e-mail message and send them to me with your responses at anita.wagner@ practicalpolyamory.com.

Thanks so much!

-------------------------------------------------

Please profide the following info:

Name:

Relationship configuration at present: (i.e. married and mono, not married but in a mono relationship, married and having a secret affair - I promise not to judge you! - living with my mono partner in a primary relationship and have a secondary relationship, etc.):

Sexual orientation of yourself and your partner(s):

How long you have been in your poly/mono relationship:

Whether polyamory has always been "on the table" or whether a partner raised the issue after making a monogamous commitment:

How long has it been since the subject of polyamory was first raised?

What is the status of your poly/mono relationship? (Thriving, broken up, closed again and mono/mono, etc.)

Are there children in the household? If so, are you out to them, and if so, how have they reacted?

What advice would you give to other poly/mono couples?

If the poly partner:

How did you first raise the issue of polyamory with your mono partner?

In hindsight, are you happy with the way the subject was raised or would you do it differently today? If so, how?

What are your recommendations to other polyamorists who are thinking of proposing polyamory to their mono partner? (An itemized list as opposed to a narrative would be helpful here.)

What is it about polyamory that made it important enough to you to go on this journey?

What have been the benefits of seeking to open your mono relationship?

What are the drawbacks?

Is there anything else you'd like to say, and if so, what?


If the mono partner:

What was your initial reaction to the idea of polyamory?

How would you have liked your poly partner to handle the discussion about polyamory differently, if any?

What are your recommendations to other polyamorists who are thinking of proposing polyamory to their mono partner? (An itemized list as opposed to a narrative would be helpful here.)

What advice would you give other monogamous people with poly partners?

What benefits have you experienced from the opening of the mono relationship, if any?

What are the drawbacks?

Is there anything else you'd like to say, and if so, what?

Secondary Trouble in Poly/Mono Land

Recently someone wrote to an e-mail group I'm on describing a difficult relationship situation she's in. She has a poly partner whose wife is monogamous. She believed the wife to be consenting, but it turns out that her relationship with the husband is creating drama in an already rocky marital relationship. To make matters worse, it's an LDR (long distance relationship.)

I felt a lot of sympathy reading her story. It's very difficult being involved with someone who's married and whose marriage isn't in good shape. I was once there myself, and since that time I have placed a high priority on determining the health of the other relationships of anyone with whom I'm thinking of getting involved. Same for the relationships my primary gets into, since discord in such relationships can have what I refer to as the ripple effect. If my sweetie and his sweetie are in crisis because of conflict in *her* other relationship over his and her relationship, it may affect my sweetie's mood, the amount of emotional energy he has available for me, etc.

From what I heard in her story, there were two primary issues - (1) the dysfunction in her poly partner's marriage, and (2) her partner's wife's tendency to try to control the husband's secondary relationship. These can be and likely are related, of course, but they are also issues that must be dealt with separately as much as possible.

Obviously the girlfriend is limited in what she can do about how the husband and wife relate to each other other than offer support and encouragement without taking sides (more on that below). But she has more power to affect her relationship with the wife.

I was in a primary relationship with a man who also had another love to whom he was very close. She and I just didn't click, but what we did agree on was that we wanted him to be happy and that we both needed to respect each other's place in his life in order for that to happen. She, too, was a committed poly person, which made coming to that understanding easier.

I recommended that the poly girlfriend invite her guy's wife to lunch if she could manage to travel to their area or at least to have a telephone conversation. Barring that, she could at least write her a letter. Face to face is always best, as it's a lot less easy to villify the other person or make mistaken assumptions about their meaning, since we can ask for clarification right there on the spot. But if the wife isn't willing, she could still communicate with the wife by e-mail.

As an aside, I pointed out that it's important to talk with the poly boyfriend/husband before proceeding so as to make sure the timing is optimal. It wouldn't be good to begin this process when the wife is having a bad day.

Whatever the means of communication, it could go a long way to express and affirm respect for the marital relationship, good wishes for its wellbeing, and commitment not to do anything to interfere with or undermine it. This would be the right place to ask for the same in return. The girlfriend could also invite the wife to share, if wife is willing, what she fears, and the girlfriend could ask how she can help the wife to feel more comfortable with her presence in the poly husband's life. If the girlfriend can do this with sincerity and patience, she may be able to make some progress with the wife. And because husband and wife are having problems with their relationship, the poly girlfriend could also commit specifically not to take sides in their conflict, to offer her support when and as appropriate, and to pledge to stay out of it beyond that.

I recommended that the girlfriend tell wife that she hopes to develop a sense of trust between them. This is accomplished first with words, and then by backing them up with behavior that demonstrates sincerity, integrity and trustworthiness.

Girlfriend may have to be the one to take the high road on all this if she is willing. Hopefully wife can/will rise to the occasion and do the same. It may not go perfectly, and there may be missteps along the way that require respectful, patient, heartfelt communication and forgiveness, but tenacity and a will to make it work on the girlfriend's part without crowding wife too much may well eventually make girlfriend's presence in husband's life not much of an issue for the wife.

These recommendations were made only to the extent that girlfriend can implement them with honesty and sincerity, of course. Only she knows what she can and can't authentically offer to her poly boyfriend's wife.