LovingMore is doing its best to get this message out to as much of the poly community as it can, and we appreciate your giving it your attention. As you can imagine, this incident is one of great concern in terms of how it may color public opinion about polyamory.
Anita Wagner
Member, LovingMore nonprofit Board of Directors
Robyn writes:
I thought this was important news that the poly community should know about. I was contacted by a reporter this week who is doing a story on a murder/suicide in North Carolina involving a poly triad. I have no idea what spin the media will put on this because, of course, these kinds of things never happen in monogamous relationships. I want everyone to be aware of this tragic news. It involved a married couple who, according to the wife, were living together with a woman for five years in a triad. The young woman who was 20 left the couple last week. The man, who was 34, went after her over the weekend, killed her and himself.
See the article in the Raleigh News & Observer.
This is a real tragedy that will most likely be played out as polyamory gone wrong. If what the wife is saying is true then they moved this girl in when she was 15. I pointed out to the reporter this was not your typical polyamory triad and did my best to give him information about polyamory and what it is about. I also let him know that Loving More does not condone 29 year old adults dating 15 year olds. I did point out that it can be a challenge to find therapy and help for poly people in rural areas with no support, especially when there are no therapists familiar with this relationship style.
With polyamory so much in the media there is the possibility this will be picked up nationally, especially to those who condemn polyamory. We all know this kind of tragedy happens in monogamous relationships, too.
If anyone is contacted about this by the media please let us know and feel free to call if you need help in answering them.
You are welcome to copy this message and pass it on to others.
Warmly,
Robyn Trask
Loving More
robyn@lovemore.com
303-543-7540
Showing posts with label alternative family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label alternative family. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Reactions to Salon.com polyamory article
As follow-up to my most recent post about "Whole Lotta Love", this week's article on Salon.com on polyamory, a subscriber issued the following challenge:
I responded that I am not aware of the first scenario happening, and I know the polyamory community very well. It's possible but improbable. As one respondent said,
Also, in reality, a 20 year old is well past the age of consent in any state you can name - that makes it no one else's business but that of the consenting adults involved.
As for the children rolling around in the hay with other kids, this presumes that polyfolk do or speak about things sexual in front of kids that are not age appropriate, that they give permission and encourage sexual activity amongst children, or at the very least, that they are negligent in their parenting by failing to discourage sex at too early an age. Pure hogwash. Poly people are just as responsible as parents as any other parents. There have been no studies that come anywhere close to the conclusion being made here.
Mixing it up sexually between parents and kids? Insulting, quite frankly. There is no evidence whatsoever to support the suspicion or conclusion that polyamorists are more likely to sexually abuse children. If you look at the deplorable statistics on child sex abuse in our society, it is clear that so-called traditional families have no claim to being a safer environment in which to raise children.
Polyamorists on the whole tend to be highly ethical people who only engage in relationships that are egalitarian in nature, where all involved have equal power to set their own boundaries on what is and is not OK in their relationships. Children can't give consent to sex with adults by law.
You really have to wonder what motivates people who go to such extraordinary lengths to sensationalize someone else's private life. It's obvious that sex makes some people uncomfortable, and these people should deal with their own issues instead of casting spurious allegations on people who are doing nothing wrong.
"Answer the question please. Come on just answer the question.
Couple A's 55-year old husband lusts after Couble (sic) B's nubile 20-year old daughter.
Is that OK within this whole polygamy? Come on you can't tell me it hasn't happened. What about the children rolling in the hay with the other kids? Or mixing it up some more with the parents and kids? Should be OK right?
Come on answer the question(s)."
I responded that I am not aware of the first scenario happening, and I know the polyamory community very well. It's possible but improbable. As one respondent said,
".... probably not, in my experience, because it would almost certainly make B uncomfortable and likely C as well. But the definite answer will depend on the specific people involved. And if A persists when B does not like it, B can always tell A to walk west until their hair floats."
Also, in reality, a 20 year old is well past the age of consent in any state you can name - that makes it no one else's business but that of the consenting adults involved.
As for the children rolling around in the hay with other kids, this presumes that polyfolk do or speak about things sexual in front of kids that are not age appropriate, that they give permission and encourage sexual activity amongst children, or at the very least, that they are negligent in their parenting by failing to discourage sex at too early an age. Pure hogwash. Poly people are just as responsible as parents as any other parents. There have been no studies that come anywhere close to the conclusion being made here.
Mixing it up sexually between parents and kids? Insulting, quite frankly. There is no evidence whatsoever to support the suspicion or conclusion that polyamorists are more likely to sexually abuse children. If you look at the deplorable statistics on child sex abuse in our society, it is clear that so-called traditional families have no claim to being a safer environment in which to raise children.
Polyamorists on the whole tend to be highly ethical people who only engage in relationships that are egalitarian in nature, where all involved have equal power to set their own boundaries on what is and is not OK in their relationships. Children can't give consent to sex with adults by law.
You really have to wonder what motivates people who go to such extraordinary lengths to sensationalize someone else's private life. It's obvious that sex makes some people uncomfortable, and these people should deal with their own issues instead of casting spurious allegations on people who are doing nothing wrong.
Friday, June 1, 2007
When We Don't Get Along with a Partner's Other Love
This week, Seattle columnist Mistress Matisse wrote, "... even when you're all committed to multiple love relationships, there are stumbling blocks. One that Max and I had to cope with is what happens when you don't get along with your partner's other lover."
I learned just this lesson and under very similar circumstances. Some years ago my partner, A, began a long distance relationship ("LDR") with someone new, B, about the same time he began his relationship with me. This all went fairly well for some years while theirs was an LDR, but then came the day when B moved to town and B and I found ourselves in each other's company fairly frequently, both as family and local poly community members.
I recall giving it my best, but it soon became clear that B and I hadn't much in common other than A. If A weren't in both our lives, I feel sure we would never have sought to be close. But because he wanted us all to be family and preferably a MFF triad, we tried our best. But it was not to be. Despite attempts on both our parts to establish warmth between us, there was often a certain amount of discomfort when we occupied the same space. Most attempts to communicate and establish rapport between us failed.
To some polyfolk polyamory is a philosophy, even a world view, in which everyone loves everyone. Some believe an inability to get along can be overcome if all involved are really willing. I don't. Some people just don't mesh. I can see how A could find redeeming qualities in B that would support their romantic relationship whereas I could not find much basis for relating to B as either lover or close friend.
What I did get, and clearly so did B, is that B and I, if we loved A well, were obligated to respect each other's place in his life and refrain from conflict and discord between us. We've talked about this and agreed that it is important, that we are family in a certain way, and I'm proud to say that this strategy has worked quite well and as intended. Though A had to accept something less than the triad he had hoped for, I think that B and I both feel good about how we've managed to make it work.
Poly people don't have to love and spend a lot of time with with their SO's OSOs, but we do have to respect their place in our SO's life and refrain from doing things that are harmful to the other SO and their relationship with our SO. Some polyfolk enter into poly life longing for a loving family, but creating one from SOs and OSOs isn't always a matter of pure will. Compatability matters across the board, and when two who share an SO find they don't especially enjoy each other's company, there is no reason they should have to force the subject. On the other hand, there is plenty of reason to demonstrate respect, as I believe both my and Mistress Matisse's stories illustrate.
I learned just this lesson and under very similar circumstances. Some years ago my partner, A, began a long distance relationship ("LDR") with someone new, B, about the same time he began his relationship with me. This all went fairly well for some years while theirs was an LDR, but then came the day when B moved to town and B and I found ourselves in each other's company fairly frequently, both as family and local poly community members.
I recall giving it my best, but it soon became clear that B and I hadn't much in common other than A. If A weren't in both our lives, I feel sure we would never have sought to be close. But because he wanted us all to be family and preferably a MFF triad, we tried our best. But it was not to be. Despite attempts on both our parts to establish warmth between us, there was often a certain amount of discomfort when we occupied the same space. Most attempts to communicate and establish rapport between us failed.
To some polyfolk polyamory is a philosophy, even a world view, in which everyone loves everyone. Some believe an inability to get along can be overcome if all involved are really willing. I don't. Some people just don't mesh. I can see how A could find redeeming qualities in B that would support their romantic relationship whereas I could not find much basis for relating to B as either lover or close friend.
What I did get, and clearly so did B, is that B and I, if we loved A well, were obligated to respect each other's place in his life and refrain from conflict and discord between us. We've talked about this and agreed that it is important, that we are family in a certain way, and I'm proud to say that this strategy has worked quite well and as intended. Though A had to accept something less than the triad he had hoped for, I think that B and I both feel good about how we've managed to make it work.
Poly people don't have to love and spend a lot of time with with their SO's OSOs, but we do have to respect their place in our SO's life and refrain from doing things that are harmful to the other SO and their relationship with our SO. Some polyfolk enter into poly life longing for a loving family, but creating one from SOs and OSOs isn't always a matter of pure will. Compatability matters across the board, and when two who share an SO find they don't especially enjoy each other's company, there is no reason they should have to force the subject. On the other hand, there is plenty of reason to demonstrate respect, as I believe both my and Mistress Matisse's stories illustrate.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Sugasm #81
Sugasm, for those unfamiliar, is a digest of sex blogs. My blog is more focused on relationship skills and activism than sex, so you don't see much from me here of an adult nature. But Sugasm is very cool, as it includes a section of the best of the week's blog posts specifically under the heading "Thoughts on Sex and Relationships", so that's where the posts I submit are categorized.
We polyfolk tend to be a sex-positive lot, so submitting my posts to Sugasm seems like a great way to reach polyfolk interested in poly relating. And we polyfolk almost always prefer to have some sex with our relationships. So, here is a repost of Sugasm's top sex blog post picks from all categories for the week, as well as all of the "Thoughts on Sex and Relationships" links. (You can find all of the week's Sugasm sex blog submissions here.)
I'll be posting this weekly - enjoy!
Sugasm: A Devilish Digest
Sugasm #81
Mon 28th May, 07
The best of this weeks blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #82? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form.
This Week’s Picks
Do / Do Not (lafillemariee.blogspot.com…)
“Do – stop in the hallway to kiss and fondle me before even getting to the room.”
The Red Cross of Fucking (perverselypoly.blogspot.com…)
“They can pay her a “finder’s fee,” and everybody will be happier.”
Review: The Amputee’s Guide to Sex (http://www.radicalvixen.com)
“When he first mentioned it he turned his disability into a fetish.”
Mr. Sugasm Himself
Meet Lin Chong, Dong Assistant (sugarbank.com…)
Editor’s Choice
Mothers day 3 (joeheather.blogspot.com…)
More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm
See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday (Fleshbot.com)
Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Alpha & Beta (smart-girls.blogspot.com…)
Defining Erotic (http://www.thenaughtychick.com)
Friday (sexcakes.blogspot.com…)
I loved this then and still love it now… (darkdaughta.blogspot.com…)
The Problem with Porn Part II: Manifestations Online (un-cool.blogspot.com…)
The Sex Kitten History; The Sex Kitten Future (http://www.sex-kitten.net)
Spanked by Robin Byrd, or not that innocent (lustylady.blogspot.com…)
A Strange New World of Emotion (practicalpolyamory.blogspot.com…)
We polyfolk tend to be a sex-positive lot, so submitting my posts to Sugasm seems like a great way to reach polyfolk interested in poly relating. And we polyfolk almost always prefer to have some sex with our relationships. So, here is a repost of Sugasm's top sex blog post picks from all categories for the week, as well as all of the "Thoughts on Sex and Relationships" links. (You can find all of the week's Sugasm sex blog submissions here.)
I'll be posting this weekly - enjoy!
Sugasm: A Devilish Digest
Sugasm #81
Mon 28th May, 07
The best of this weeks blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #82? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form.
This Week’s Picks
Do / Do Not (lafillemariee.blogspot.com…)
“Do – stop in the hallway to kiss and fondle me before even getting to the room.”
The Red Cross of Fucking (perverselypoly.blogspot.com…)
“They can pay her a “finder’s fee,” and everybody will be happier.”
Review: The Amputee’s Guide to Sex (http://www.radicalvixen.com)
“When he first mentioned it he turned his disability into a fetish.”
Mr. Sugasm Himself
Meet Lin Chong, Dong Assistant (sugarbank.com…)
Editor’s Choice
Mothers day 3 (joeheather.blogspot.com…)
More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm
See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday (Fleshbot.com)
Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Alpha & Beta (smart-girls.blogspot.com…)
Defining Erotic (http://www.thenaughtychick.com)
Friday (sexcakes.blogspot.com…)
I loved this then and still love it now… (darkdaughta.blogspot.com…)
The Problem with Porn Part II: Manifestations Online (un-cool.blogspot.com…)
The Sex Kitten History; The Sex Kitten Future (http://www.sex-kitten.net)
Spanked by Robin Byrd, or not that innocent (lustylady.blogspot.com…)
A Strange New World of Emotion (practicalpolyamory.blogspot.com…)
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