Presenting at MOMENTUM: The Shadow Side of the Internet and Its Role in Sexual Compulsion

The phenomenal growth of online communication has given rise to an amazing amount of sharing, learning and experimenting with different expressions of sexuality, relationships and feminism. MOMENTUM provides a safe place to listen, discuss and learn about the ways the web has impacted our sexuality without the fear of reprisal or shaming. It is a space for acceptance and appreciation of diversity, including for those in the LGBTQ, sex-work, BDSM and non-monogamous communities.

Along those same lines, in addition to the two panels I'll participate in (for more about those see here and here) the organizers have just added my newest workshop to their lineup, The Shadow Side of the Internet and Its Role in Sexual Compulsion, which will happen Sunday, April 3 at 1:30 p.m. Here's the description, hope to see you there!

The internet offers every sort of sexual resource and service imaginable. As it applies to consenting adults, this has significantly improved the quality of and led to the healthy expansion of the sex lives of millions. It also makes it more and more possible to share ideas and earn a living supporting and advancing the cause of sex positivity.

Unfortunately this trend has it’s shadow side. The numbers of individuals, couples and moresomes seeking counseling for problems with sexual compulsion/addiction are steadily increasing in both sex-positive culture and the mainstream.

What is sex addiction/compulsion?

Does it really exist?

What does it look like?

What does the internet have to do with it?

What are the challenges for sufferers and their partners, especially those who live within sex-positive culture fueled by the internet?

In this session you will learn about the challenges presented by easy access to the internet’s sexual content that is for some a dark shadow that it is important that they avoid. Come hear a polyamorous, sex-positive community leader tell her and her partner’s story of how together they are challenging the conventional wisdom of the addictions treatment industry and finding their own path to healing while refusing to give up their sex-positive life. Learn more about this highly controversial and misunderstood topic as she brings it out into the light.

More on Sex Addiction in Sex-positive Culture

I've been talking about this subject online in several different forums, and wow, does it make some people cranky - not only that, but some also outright reject the idea that sex addiction even exists. If only.

As irritating as it is to know how much criticism and false accusations are made toward we in the sex-positive world, it's easy to question the concept of sex addiction. But it's a very real emotional illness for a lot of people that eventually turns their world upside down. Many desperately wish they could stop but find that they can't. Instead they compulsively take greater and greater amounts of risk to get a very temporary sense of satisfaction that soon turns to guilt and shame. There is a general sense that if people *really* knew who they were, they would be rejected and ostracized.

This is not just true of vanilla mainstreamers but is also just as true for some in the sex-positive world. In many cases our more open attitudes is what draws sex addicts to the BDSM, swing and polyamory communities. It's a cycle that keeps repeating itself as feelings of shame cause anxiety to build which acts as a trigger to act out again. And around and around it goes.

The risks are significant:

• Getting STIs and bringing them home to unsuspecting partners;

• Being arrested having public sex or hiring a pro off the street;

• Getting caught surfing porn and masturbating at work and losing one's job;

• The financial drain on the family by paying for pros, porn, phone sex, etc.;

• Loss of time spent acting out needed for maintaining healthy relationships;

• Humiliation at having one's addiction publicly exposed - you don't have to be Tiger Woods or David Duchovny to have that problem - and to friends and family; and

• Risk of losing intimate partners who feel betrayed about what has been going on without their knowledge or consent.

Sex addiction is growing at a rapid pace due to the easy availability of sexual goods, services and hookups via the internet. Yes, we all know that these can be used in healthy ways. If you do any of this and it doesn't cause you problems, they you aren't a sex addict. You're sex positive - good for you!

Still, this affliction most definitely exists in our own communities, likely in much larger numbers than any of us suspect. It doesn't get talked about by the addicts because of fear of being ostracized.  Their partners don't talk about it due to the shame and self-doubt it raises for them about their own desirability. Codependence is rampant, just as much as with any other kind of addiction.

This is not to raise fear but instead awareness and compassion for those who suffer from feeling out of control around their sexuality, and for their partners who must find a way to deal with betrayal and doubt about themselves and about their partner's love and commitment. If you are an SA or the partner of one and would like to talk, confidentiality is assured, just drop me a line at anita.wagner@practicalpolyamory.com

Polyamory and Sex Addiction

I have recently developed an interest in learning more about the subject of sex addiction/compulsion in the context of a poly, sex-positive existence. If you have experience with this and would be interested in sharing your experience with me, please contact me at anita.wagner@practicalpolyamory.com Your story will be kept confidential. Hopefully together we can develop resources to serve those who find themselves in this difficult situation.


For the record, I am well aware of the controversy surrounding sex addiction - some call it sexual compulsion instead and believe that it should not be pathologized as its own DSM diagnosis when it is really likely a form of obsessive/compulsive disorder. They also worry that SA having its own diagnosis will lead to its being misapplied, especially by therapists trying to make a buck off the health insurance industry, which often requires a specific DSM diagnosis before it will pay claims for SAs in treatment.


It has come to my attention that there are those amongst us who suffer mightily from this affliction, be they the addict or the addict's partner(s), and usually in secrecy due to shame. There is a lot of shame and secrecy around it for all SAs and their partners. And traditional means of treating sex addiction require a sexual diet that consists only on sex with one's primary partner in private, no porn watching, and no masturbation. Certainly no sex parties or sex-positive events.


Even sex-positive, poly-friendly therapists are known to give this status quo edict, though SA's are also in some 12 step programs encouraged to create the sexual and relationship scenario that works for them and is stable and manageable, rather than shame-laden and unmanageable. And the poly partners of SAs are sometimes not well received in support groups for partners of SAs, most of whom have/had an expectation of monogamy and are even traumatized in some cases by their discovery that their SA partner acts out by viewing porn and masturbating. It's not common for mono partners of SAs to approve of this and perceive it to be about some failure on their part. This cultural dichotomy leaves the poly SA and their partners feeling further isolated and alone and in need of support, as well as misunderstood.


So if you have experience in this area or know someone who does and can refer me to them or them to me, would love to hear from you and/or them - thanks!

Polyamory, Pathologizing Sex, and the DSM-5

The American Psychiatric Association has announced its proposed addition to the DSM-5 that addresses the highly controversial subject of sex addiction, whether it exists, and how it should be diagnosed. 

The DSM-V is the next (fifth) edition of the American Psychiatric Association's (APA) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), commonly called DSM-5.  It is currently in consultation, planning and preparation and is due for publication in May 2013, when it will supersede the DSM-IV which was last revised in 2000.

Many of us in the sex-positive movement have been very concerned about this issue because we envision great potential for misdiagnosis based on a desire for multi-partner relationships.  Adding sex addiction to the DSM-5 as a distinct disorder separate from obsessive-compulsive disorder is highly controversial and the subject of much heated debate. 

We polyamorists have a vested interest in this issue because biased and/or uninformed mental health care professionals have been known to pathologize our desire for more than one partner - hence the great demand for poly-friendly therapists.  So the criteria for diagnosis matters - a lot.  Poly people with misgivings about their choices are particularly vulnerable to misdiagnosis.

For example, I found this advertisement in a google search on sex addiction.  Admittedly most polyamorists aren't likely to consult a "CCSAS" - Certified Christian Sexual Addiction Specialist.   Still, if they are new to polyamory, are conflicted about it from a religious perspective, are having guilty feelings about it, (it happens!) and decide to seek out a therapist, someone claiming to be a "CSAT", a Certified Sexual Addicition Therapist, might be their choice if the therapist's religion isn't of any great concern. 

Oh, and since APA criteria for diagnosing sex addiction doesn't officially exist yet, who is doing the certifying here?   There are lots of people out there claiming to be certified therapists who aren't.   And the last thing we polyamorists need is a bunch of religious extremists pointing to the DSM-5 and telling us we are sick and can be cured of our "illness" as has been the case with regard to homosexuality.  (Of course, a little thing like homosexuality having been removed from the DSM years ago doesn't change anything in their view.)

So below is the proposed addition to the DSM-5, Hypersexual Disorder.  It's better than it could have been, and it's still under discussion, but this is an important step in that it reveals the direction the APA is taking.  Note that "Sexual Behavior with Consenting Adults" is listed as one of the behaviors that should be specified in a diagnosis if it exists.  

Much more remains to be seen on this.  The good news is that this proposal doesn't classify hypersexual behavior as an addiction per se.  Were that the case, then poly relationships could be further stygmatized simply because one's partnerships aren't working and the resulting drama is making them unmanageable.  (The basic determining factor as to whether one is an addict is whether one's life has become unmanageable as a result of the addictive behavior.)

Hypersexual Disorder [14]

A. Over a period of at least six months, recurrent and intense sexual fantasies, sexual urges, and sexual behavior in association with four or more of the following five criteria:

(1) A great deal of time is consumed by sexual fantasies and urges, and by planning for and engaging in sexual behavior. [15]

(2) Repetitively engaging in these sexual fantasies, urges, and behavior in response to dysphoric mood states (e.g., anxiety, depression, boredom, irritability). [16]

(3) Repetitively engaging in sexual fantasies, urges, and behavior in response to stressful life events. [17]

(4) Repetitive but unsuccessful efforts to control or significantly reduce these sexual fantasies, urges, and behavior. [18]

(5) Repetitively engaging in sexual behavior while disregarding the risk for physical or emotional harm to self or others. [19]

B. There is clinically significant personal distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning associated with the frequency and intensity of these sexual fantasies, urges, and behavior. [20]

C. These sexual fantasies, urges, and behavior are not due to the direct physiological effect of an exogenous substance (e.g., a drug of abuse or a medication). [21]

Specify if: [22]

Masturbation

Pornography

Sexual Behavior With Consenting Adults

Cybersex

Telephone Sex

Strip Clubs