Monogamy works well for some but not others. Social status, religion, race, sexual orientation, and political philosophy don’t matter. Honesty, openness, love, commitment, communication, patience, and egalitarianism do.
Here I pass along what I’ve learned and teach at events on common challenges polyamorists encounter and their practical remedies, along with thoughts on related subjects such as community organizing, activism, and sexual freedom. Feel free to comment – and welcome!
We polyamorists owe a big thank-you to Cunning Minx, who has produced hundreds of podcasts on the subject of polyamory. Today we learn that these podcasts, which document an unprecedented breadth of subject matter related to polyamory, have been added to the Kenneth R. Haslam Collection on Polyamory at The Kinsey Institute.
Congratulations to Cunning Minx for her tireless work, and for making polyamory education and Polyamory Weekly podcasts fun! (This week's podcast, #340, is on the subject of how to fight fair.)
I recently posted a review here of the awesome time I had at Polycamp NW in August. While I was there, I got an invitation from Cunning Minx to sit down and record some of what I contributed to the discussion in a workshop she had done earlier in the afternoon. It was a thoroughly gorgeous day, bright, warm sunshine and the glories of the Pacific Northwest all around us. We found a picnic table under a tree away from the crowd and had a very easy and natural conversation, which you can listen to here.
So it's back to school time, and I'm here to answer that time-honored question asked of students returning from summer break - what did you do on your summer vacation? Somehow I doubt anyone answered quite like this. Well, except for the kids who were at Polycamp NW, and there were a lot of those.
Last October at the Poly Living conference I met Quintus, the organizer of Polycamp NW, a family-friendly camp event held at the Environmental Learning Center (ELC) in Millersylvania State Park near Olympia, WA. The ELC is a wonderful private area nested under old growth cedar and fir trees near Deep Lake - breathtakingly beautiful! Quintus invited me to present poly programs, I agreed, and I'm so glad I did.
Seattle is one of my most favorite places with it's rocking poly/alternative community, it's natural beauty, and its rep as US studioglass mecca. Usually looking at art glass is a must do activity for me when I visit Seattle, but this time I didn't buy any glass but instead spent my time with the wonderfully warm and loving local poly community, as well as many who came from Western Canada, Portland, Oregon, and other parts of the region. The sun shone brightly and the weather was spectacular during my entire visit.
Quintus's charming and handsome house mate Lydia (pronounced "li-DAY-uh", above right) picked me up at SEATAC, and we took the ferry across the sound to west Seattle. There we found Quintus, his beautiful wife, Francisca, (above left) and his extended poly family in the final throes of preparing food and loading a van and two trucks with supplies and a huge abundance of fresh foods to feed the 195 people who would be in attendance. And feed us they did. His friend Doug did an awesome job as chef, he and the volunteers cooked up delicious, nutritious meals all weekend long.
The weather was perfect and the drive south to Olympia spectacular! I had a hard time focusing on my community organizing conversation with Quintus with a sweeping expanse of water on our right and Mount Ranier in all it's magesty floating on the horizon to our left.
Anyway, we arrived early Friday afternoon and immediately started unloading and helping set up the large and well-equipped lodge kitchen.
The program for the weekend was quite eclectic, partly on poly topics and partly on fun classes for families with kids. It was so good to see so many families there and to know that the older kids had a place to be where their family was more similar to those of the other kids than is often so in the mainstream world. The ever beautiful Cunning Minx gave a workshop on poly dating, and then she interviewed me for her latest Poly Weekly Podcast on advice for poly newbies. I gave two workshops, one I call Emotional Edge Play: Polyamory for BDSM/Leather/Fetish Folks, and a second on Poly/Mono relationships that got huge attendance.
There was an adult cabin section that was set well apart from the cabins and camping area for families with kids, and that gave those interested in adult activities a place in which to pursue them. There was a class on rope bondage and a good discussion on the latest in safer sex practices. There were also activities at night for everone, including a talent show and a blues dance at which someone taught the adults how to do a very sexy, sultery dance to blues music. Very hot stuff.
It was SO lovely to reconnect with friends I hadn't seen in a while, like Minx, the Erosong family, Teresa Greenan, and Sue Tinney and Christopher Bingham of The Bone Poets Orchestra (formerly Gaia Consort). Sue and I shared a ride back to Seattle, and I admit to developing a bit of a girl crush on her as we got to know each other better.
I had such a great time at Polycamp NW. Quintus and his dedicated team created a very happy space for 195 poly people and their kids to get together and revel in what it is that we all have in common. It was worth the money and travel time, and this definitely won't be my last time at Polycamp NW. Join me there next year, won't you?
Friends, I am still feeling the Momentum. By that I mean I still feel the incredible energy, passion and intelligence that everyone concerned with last weekend's Momentum conference held in the DC suburb of Silver Spring, Maryland contributed to it. Of course, there is never enough time to meet everyone, see everything, and catch up with friends while spending several hours videotaping programs for KinkAcademy.com and PassionateU.com, as well as sitting on two panels and giving a workshop, but I did my best. Our task was to talk and collaborate about how to advance the cause of feminist sex-positivity and support alternative relationships, all via the use of new media. This served to inspire a wide range of amazing and thought provoking programs.
Probably the best and most impressive aspect of this event for me was the keynote panel on Friday night. It was such a thrill to see so many of my favorite sex geeks on one panel and speaking brilliantly as to the challenges we still face in achieving a more sex positive world. The panel was moderated by Las Vegas professor and media comentator Dr. Lynn Comella (on the right), and participants continuing right to left were sexologist and author Dr. Carol Queen, sex educator Reid Mihalko, sex educator and author Tristan Taormino, and author Jenny Block. Though I had never met Lynn before, I am friends with the others, and considering how infrequently I get to actually see them, with us being spread out all over the country, it was quite a thrill to see and hear them put their collective heads together - very powerful! These really are a substantial portion of the U.S. sex positive brain trust, if you will.
I absolutely must give a shout out to Tess Danesi and Diva, a/k/a producers of the New York Sex Bloggers Calendar, for putting on an inspiring, intriguing and affordable conference. This was the first MomentumCon, but we are assured that it will not be the last.
About 30 of us spent Saturday night in Baltimore at Baltimore adult toy shop Sugar's Red and Black Ball, an excursion arranged by ball emcee Reid Mihalko, who got us all there on the sex geek bus. (Here I am in a picture with fabulous sex educator and Babeland sex toy reviewer Dr. Ruthie as we gathered to board the bus.) And I would be remiss not to include the picture to the right of the ever fabulous Cunning Minx of the Poly Weekly Podcast, looking absolutely regal in her red and black costume. And I mustn't forget to give a shout out to Sugar owner Jacq Jones, who has a lot to be proud of and who put on a fabulous celebration of what I believe is Sugar's fourth anniversary supplying quality adult toys to the people. That's me with that gorgeous goddess of a woman below to the left.
Considering the focus on new media, it was great fun to read all the live blogging and tweeting that went on from the conference. Those who couldn't be in attendance can still see all the tweets, many of which were instantaneous quotes from presenters, panelists and audience members, via the hashtag #mcon. Such brilliance!
And this barely scratches the surface of all that is and was Momentum. Though this was it's inaugural event, it sold out, as I suspect it will every year considering all the positive buzz it's getting so don't get left out - buy your ticket early in 2012.
Hi all - Here's info on the second of my panels at Momentum. In case you haven't heard, it's amazingly affordable to attend this event, well under $100 ($55 as I write this.)
New Media Roundtable – Tips and Tools for Social Change (will be presented on Saturday, April 2nd, from 9:00 a.m. until 1:10 p.m.)
New media provides a wide variety of optons for individuals and groups to create an online presence. Publishers can choose to blog, podcast, vidcast, or collaborate through wiki-based platforms. In addition, there are numerous resources for promoting your content. How do you choose which tools to get your message across and to build awareness about your cause?
This discussion is for those who have considered publishing new media content, or who want to use tools like Facebook or Twitter to build an audience and community, Hear from our panel of experienced educators and activists on how they used (or built upon) existing tools in order to engage their respective audiences.
I'll have more to say about the best-yet Poly Living conference that just wrapped up in the Philadelphia area earlier today, but for now I'll share audio with Powerpoint slides from Cunning Minx's excellent keynote address on Friday night. Enjoy! (And no, she wasn't naked, darn it!)
Note to my readers: I will be presenting a new program at this year's Poly Living. We continue to see a steady influx of poly/mono couples who are trying to make their relationships work - I hope this will provide them some assistance.
Making Lemonade: The Poly/Mono Journey
Probably the greatest challenge in finding what works to resolve conflict in polyamorous relationships is working out the challenge that arises when one partner is polyamorous and the other is monogamous. How do people manage? Is it even possible to find mutual happiness under such circumstances?
The good news is that yes, it is. This workshop will explore the ways in which poly/mono relationships wither for some and thrive for others. It is based on the responses to a recent call for survey responses from both poly and mono partners in ongoing contemporary poly/mono relationshiips. Come hear their stories - you will find great benefit in hearing their insights and lessons learned.
Every effort will be made to present this workshop and conduct the discussion sensitively to the experiences of the monogamous partners as well as the polyamorous partners. A useful handout and time for discussion will be included.
So please stop by for this program and discussion - it promises to include lively discussion and debate. (Respectfully done, of course.)
Here are the Poly Living details:
Save Money, Use Coupon Code: PL2009G by Feb. 20th 2009 Save 10% per person when three or more sign up together.
YES Poly Living is Back for yet another fantastic year and it will be here before you know it!!!
This February join polyamorists from all over the country for the fourth Poly Living conference in honor of Poly Living's Creator George Marvil*. Over a hundred open, intelligent and fun loving people will descend on the Fort Washington Hotel outside Philadelphia for three days. Our fun filled weekend will feature nationally and regionally known presenters, including a keynote presentation from Cunning Minx of Polyamory Weekly
Poly Living's workshops range from basic to advanced and from intellectual to experiential, covering topics both fun and serious like:
Creating Intimacy Polyamory 101 & 201 Being single & poly Rebuilding broken trust Secondary's survival skills Legal issues for Polys Exploring other Relationship Creative Flirting and more
Conference Info
Loving More Presents "Poly Living 2009" February 27th - March 1st 2009, Philadelphia Metro Area, PA Fort Washington Hotel Conference
Registration and more information available at here.
Saturday Evening Events
Join us for the Cuddle Party® AND an Literary Erotic Salon.
About Us:
Loving More® is a non-profit organization and magazine dedicated to information, education and support of polyamory and polyamorous relationships. We are working currently to get our 501c(3) status which is an IRS designation that will make donations tax deductible. We are a national organization and resource for people who wish to live outside traditional monogamy responsibly and with integrity. We call it polyamory or Loving More. Our goal is to support relationships based on love, commitment, growth, respect for diversity, honesty, and personal responsibility, to help distribute books relevant to polyamory, to host conferences and workshops, and to act as a national clearinghouse and public forum for the polyamorous movement.
Loving More® Magazine — since 1991 we have been the only magazine dedicated exclusively to topics involving Polyamory-multi-partner relating. We have issues both past and present that cover all different styles and logistics of polyamorous relating for the person new to or exploring polyamory for the first time to long term polyamorous person. There is information on families, parenting, sexuality, dealing with jealousy, finding compersion and much more.
The Washington Post Article "Pairs with Spares" says...
"When you watch people interact at Poly Living, it can seem that we humans have no idea what makes people happy inside relationships, or what arrangements people need to navigate the world."
Attendees have said:
" It was amazing, I fell in love with a new partner."
"I was very happy with the wonderful workshops."
"I liked that there was a lot more focus on RELATIONSHIPS and relating and less focus on sex..."
" Your conference changed my life!"
“It was a stupendous gathering and I got more then I expected”
Contact us to sign up for our workshops, retreats, magazine, information or to donate: Lovingmore@lovemore.com
Polyamorous NYC's polyamory pride weekend happened this past weekend, and I'm still flying high on the incredible energy that typified every single experience I had there. I have to say right up front what a fantastic job Polyamorous NYC did in organizing and producing this event. Producer Lyndell Moore (in picture to the right, second from the left) deserves big props, as does Poly NYC president Birgitte Philippides (far left), under whose capable and dedicated leadership this event spread its wings and soared, along with the support of founder Justen Michael Bennett-Maccubbin (3rd from the left) and all of the committee members who together created a weekend I'll always remember.
The event spawned press coverage both in the New York Times and the New York Post , plus interest from others like a free-lance film maker who gathered footage to support a poly documentary pitch to HBO and who interviewed many speakers and attendees at the Saturday afternoon rally and picnic.
Polyamory Weekly podcaster Cunningminx was also there, and it was a great pleasure to both meet her (finally!) and once again be interviewed for the podcast. (See picture of Minx and me above.) You can hear Minx's podcast coverage part one of two of the event and my interview (28 minutes in) here. And of course, Alan M. of Polyamory in the News was also there documenting the day's events.
I also had the honor of introducing to one another two of this year's new poly book authors, Tristan Taormino and Jenny Block, with me at left. Also it was the first time Jenny and I have met, though we've been on-line friends and collaborators for many months now.
Here's a picture of me (taken by Minx - thanks, Minx!) on the podium where I spoke about The Mainstreaming of Polyamory.
Entertainment at the rally was outstanding. I especially enjoyed America's Got Talent competitors the Glamazons - four sassy big women pictured here who are the stuff of many a wet dream - and the Raven Schecter trio who were both polished and hilarious. Here's a piece of their performance also recorded by Minx.
You can find a complete list of the speakers and performers here, and, not surprisingly, Tristan Taormino's keynote address was both entertaining and inspiring. I especially appreciated her call for the Same-Sex Marriage Movement to stop "throwing polyamory under the bus." What she is referring to is the ill-advised distancing from polyamory the SSM leadership does - primarily its leader, Evan Wolfson - in order to avoid any confirmation that Stanley Kurtz's slippery slope actually exists - which it does as multi-partner marriage is concerned. Politically expedient or not, that practice is unethical and discriminatory.
OK, down off my soap box and on with Poly Pride events review.
And that, so far, is just what I had to tell you regarding the picnic and rally, which was the feature event of the weekend. In addition to that, there was a Friday night cuddle party, the largest held anywhere ever, with over 110 people in attendance.
On Saturday night there was an awesome after party held in a classy loft space overlooking the Hudson River. There was a great DJ and a steady stream of performers from the vamping drag performers the Pixie Harlots to talented burlesque performer Nasty Canasta
And as if all that weren't enough, Sunday morning brought us a fabulous poly book authors reading and signing event where nine authors read from their works. It was held at the Blue Stockings radical book store in the east Village, and the room was packed - clearly the late partiers didn't let anything stop them from soaking up all that poly wisdom.
Lastly, 34 poly leaders, activists and community organizers gathered for a well-facilitated summit on polyamory activism during which there was a great exchange of ideas that sparked synergy that I look forward to sharing and building on in the days, weeks and months ahead. The next poly leadership summit will be held on Monday, March 2, 2009, following the Poly Living conference to be held the previous weekend, February 27 to March 1 in the Philadelphia suburbs. Poly Living is put on by the Loving More organization, which was well represented at poly pride weekend by Loving More Managing Director Robyn Trask and her partner Jesus Garcia. (Pictured here with Tristan Taormino and myself.) One of the biggest benefits to the polyamory community of this poly pride weekend is that many of the priorities recognized at the leadership summit are also priorities Loving More has already been pursuing. There was so much enthusiasm from those gathered for helping Loving More to move those projects along that Loving More will benefit and so will the polyamory community.
Whew! Once again, I can't thank Poly-NYC enough for all their hard work in putting on this historic polyamory pride event. Years from now it will be seen as a time when polyamory in all its colors and shapes and sizes took a big step forward toward becoming the legitimate, vibrant and gratifying choice in intimate relationship structure that it truly is.
CunningMinx is the stalwart, entertaining creator and producer of the Polyamory Weekly Podcast. Her new "Introduction to Polyamory" YouTube video has just debuted and is excellent. I highly recommend it - check it out.
Much love and appreciation to Minx for all she does to educate people about polyamory - we love you Minx!
Today the Chicago Sun-Times printed it's article on polyamory, Wedded to Variety. As it happen's, Oscar winner Tilda Swinton's poly family has become newsworthy and is responsible for this newspaper's interest in an article on Chicago-area polyamorists. (Thanks, Tilda, for setting such a great example! We love you!)
CunningMinx of the Polyamory Weekly podcast, who lives in the Chicago area, and I were interviewed and are quoted. Also, we both sought at the journalist's urging a Chicago area married poly couple to be interviewed, but with no luck. This is often what we are asked for, presumably because this form of poly family is most analogous to a monogamous married couple. The other form we are often asked for that is even harder to supply is a triad, quad, or other group of cohabitating multiples. That's because so few of them actually exist, with very few of those being made up of people who are all comfortable with being out.
Understandably, journalists don't realize that it is often very difficult to meet these demands. We educate them about the realities of poly life and about people's fears of outing themselves, especially on their home turf. The journalist typically wants a local person or persons to give the article local context. Though Paige was insistent that she must have a married couple, apparently her editor relented and decided the article was worth running without that perspective - good for them.
As long as people have to be afraid to be out as polyamorous, there is going to continue to be a conflict between the needs of polyfolk and the needs of journalists and we activists who must work with them to find suitable interviewees - a real chicken-and-egg problem. The more reasonably fair press exposure we get, the more awareness will be raised, the less stigmatized we'll eventually be, and the safer it will be to be out as a polyamorist. Yet without suitable interviewees, getting the story out becomes more difficult. Hence the chicken-and-egg reference.
The good news is that this is yet again another newspaper article that is positive and not in the least disparaging.
This review of CunningMinx's Polyamory Weekly Podcast was posted yesterday by Alexander Cornswalled, self-described as " ... a Midwestern Conservative Christian, writing and podcasting about religion, morals and the fight to halt the decay of American society and civilization." (Can't you just imagine the fun sex columnist Dan Savage and his followers would have with Alexander's last name??)
In this particular post, Cornswalled reviewed several podcasts found by parents on their childrens' computers who asked him to review them and determine whether they were appropriate listening material for their children.
Now, we all know that the beautiful and sometimes not-so-beautiful part of blogging is that anyone with a blog can put forth just about any opinion on the planet. Yet as a polyamory activist, I have to say that the following comments about the Polyamory Weekly Podcast encapsulate exactly why there is so much intolerance to fight on behalf of polyamorists. It is the culture war writ large.
This is easily the most dangerous and socially destructive podcast I've ever heard. The program is about Polyamory, the practice of having multiple sexual partners, provided everyone consents and knows what's going on. It advocates just about every form of perversion you can imagine and the host frequently decries the fact that group marriages aren't legal in the United States.
The program is not the most sexually explicit, nor is it the most offensive. It's dangerous because the program seeks to normalize Homosexuality, Bisexuality, wife swapping, bondage and a host of other unChristian behaviors. They side AGAINST the Mormons who want to legalize underage brides, but if all those Mormon brides are 18 or older, they're all for it.
If your child is listening to Polyamory Weekly, then I recommend you respond as if you'd found deviant magazines in their possession. Do not react with anger, as that will only make matters worse, but respond with Christian love and understanding. Your child has been exposed to dangerous and radical ideas, and needs help with the confusion of ideas that such exposure can create.
That's all for now. I'll post another batch of Podcast Reviews once I have the chance to listen to some more.
Bear in mind that Mr. Cornswalled also advises parents to immediately remove the "Prairie Home Companion" from their children's computers because it mocks "traditional values and smalltown life."
We polyamorists owe a big thank-you to Cunning Minx, who has produced hundreds of podcasts on the subject of polyamory. Today we learn that these podcasts, which document an unprecedented breadth of subject matter related to polyamory, have been added to the Kenneth R. Haslam Collection on Polyamory at The Kinsey Institute.
