Responsible Spokespersonship and Open Marriage on (Shudder) Dr. Phil

Alan over at the Polyamory in the News blog has put up a post that has attracted a lot of attention and comment about yesterday's piece on open marriage on the Dr. Phil Show. 



Kenya and Carl are a couple who have been speaking out on their form of responsible nonmonogamy for some time now.  They were courageous to agree to go up against Dr. Phil, just as was author Jenny Block when she went up against Bill O'Reilly and into a few other similarly hostile situations.

It's a very personal decision to accept such invitations, yet by accepting them we spokespeople also take on a significant amount of responsibility to others like ourselves.  For several years Dr. Phil's producers repeatedly asked we poly community spokespeople to provide people to appear on the show, and we consistently declined.  Especially since the Newt Gingrich supposed request for an open marriage story broke a few weeks ago, we spokespeople have been delighted at the fair treatment we've been given by members of the media, but we are under no illusions about the likelihood of being treated with respect by Dr. Phil.  Evenso, it's the viewers in his audience who have open minds we would be trying to reach.  Based on what we know about Dr. Phil's interview style, there was and still remains plenty of reason for concern that not enough of our message would make it into the final cut to outweigh all the ways in which we would be made to look bad.

Alan, usually the poster guy for the mild-mannered, had what is for him an uncharacteristically strong but evenso understandable reaction to Carl's statements that appeared to justify dispensing with practicing safer sex, and I share Alan's frustration.  We spokespeople can't afford the luxury of making highly controversial statements on subjects such as STI prevention, especially on national television, and give the impression that we - and by implication, those like us - are being irresponsible.  I've seen one or two other leaders do this sort of thing under the notion that they must speak their truth no matter what.  In my personal opinion, such defiance ignores the potential for harm that comes along with it and pretty much disqualifies us as effective leaders and spokespeople.  I'm not saying I think this is absolutely true in Carl's case, not if he learns from the experience. 

As spokespeople, honesty is important to doing an effective job, but avoiding needlessly creating negative impressions is even more important considering the responsibility we take on when we speak to large audiences. Isn't the point that we want our words to clear up misunderstandings and have a positive impact? Why would we choose to make statements that would undermine that goal? It's terribly counterproductive to let this happen when in fact what we have to share is a message of just how ethical and healthy responsible nonmonogamy can actually be. We do neither ourselves nor our communities any service by playing into the hands of our critics.  Our words can have far-reaching consequences and affect the lives of thousands of people we don't even know. This responsibility MUST be taken seriously if we are to make the world a better, safer place for healthy families that don't fit the traditional model. 

I already know that I share many of Kenya and Carl's values, and I am grateful for their courage and especially for their lending a voice to this subject from the perspective of people of color. I applaud their commitment to self-determination and the example they set for others to create the family life and responsible relationships that best meet their needs. 

Author Pamela Haag refers in her recent book "Marriage Confidential," to those of us living a consenting and openly nonmonogamous life as renegade couples blazing a trail for others to follow. This is no more true for anyone than it is for we spokespeople who stick out our necks into the line of fire to raise awareness and counter misconceptions. We are all learning as we go, and we are all in this together.  I'm pretty sure many polyamory spokespeople, including myself, would be happy to collaborate with Carl and Kenya in this regard and learn from each others' experiences.

Polyamory on the 11:00 News on DC ABC affiliate WJLA

My husband, Tim, and I had the privilege of being interviewed about our polyamorous open marriage recently, and it was shown on Washington, D.C.'s ABC news affiliate WJLA on the 11PM news on Thursday, February 9, 2012.  Also included are local polyamorists Sarah Taub, Michael Rios, and Jonica Hunter, none of whom are married to each other and who live together in what polyamorists refer to as  "V" relationship.  Their contribution was highly valuable in that together we were all able to give a couple of different yet common examples of how people arrange their nonmonogamous romantic lives. 

A fairly brief article entitled Polyamorous Relationships: Managing Multiple Romantic Partners that is not a transcript of the video to go with it is also available, as well as a slideshow entitled The Faces of Polyamory of all of us who were in the video, including a few wedding and honeymoon pictures of Tim and me. 

The story about Newt Gingrich's supposed desire for an open marriage broke about a month ago, and since then there has been a frenzy of media interest in we polyamorists that has not yet ended.  In fact, as ironic as it is, Newt's ex, Marianne Gingrich's contention that Newt asked her for an open marriage so he could continue to have a relationship with his mistress, Calista (now his wife) is responsible for we advocates finding ourselves with an opportunity to raise awareness unlike anything we could otherwise achieve on our own.

Yes, polyamory and open marriage are in the mainstream center stage spotlight, and there are a lot of us, including those involved with the Polyamory Media Association and Loving More Nonprofit, who are scrambling to meet all the requests.  If you have an interest in being interviewed either by a newspaper or appearing on a TV show, or any other sort of media event, please visit the PMA and educate yourself about best practices so as to be ready to shine on behalf of all who practice responsible non-monogamy.  Thanks!

Still Here - Hiatus Over!

So where have I been since October?  If you've been wondering about that, I do appreciate your patience. I know when it comes to blogging, consistency is important, and I will do my best to return to that. It's just that there have been so many wonderful things going on in my life. I got married! (Nonmonogamously, of course.) We got engaged in early October and set the date for December 17, 2011, so as you can imagine, there was SO much to do! Here are my dear husband and partner of six years, Tim, and me on our happy day. We were married in Baltimore at beautiful Chase Court.

There have also been so many great things happening in the world of polyamory advocacy that I could probably (and likely will) write a book about it all. 

I will do my best to update you in detail soon, but in the meantime, if you want to know what I'm reading, what's going on in my relationship life, and what's going on in terms of my polyamory advocacy and education life, check me out on Facebook.

Happy Valentine's Day!

So a polyamorous friend sent me the following taken from her lovely poly life:

"You know you’re doing something unusual but very very well (albeit with maybe a bit too much technology) when you wake up with your mate, ease into your day together, and exchange iPads to share with each other the overnight love notes from your respective other partners."

Indeed!  Hope everyone has as great a Valentine's Day as my friend.

Poly Advice for Newbies on Polyamory Weekly Podcast

I recently posted a review here of the awesome time I had at Polycamp NW in August. While I was there, I got an invitation from Cunning Minx to sit down and record some of what I contributed to the discussion in a workshop she had done earlier in the afternoon. It was a thoroughly gorgeous day, bright, warm sunshine and the glories of the Pacific Northwest all around us. We found a picnic table under a tree away from the crowd and had a very easy and natural conversation, which you can listen to here.

September 23 is Sexual Freedom Day!

Tomorrow is Sexual Freedom Day, established as such by the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance, September 23 being its namesake Victoria Woodhull's birthday. I thought I'd take a minute and let you know that I will be attending and participating in tomorrow's activities as a recognized member of the polyamory leadership community. I did this last year as well. Woodhull is based here in DC and does excellent work on behalf of all of us. In case you aren't familiar with them, their mission is, in part: "... to affirm sexual freedom as a fundamental human right, working towards a world that fulfills the words of the United States Supreme Court that

“…our laws and tradition afford constitutional protection to personal decisions relating to marriage, procreation, contraception, family relationships, child rearing, and education. In explaining the respect the Constitution demands for the autonomy of the person in making these choices, we (the court) stated as follows:

‘These matters, involving the most intimate and personal choices a person may make in a lifetime, choices central to personal dignity and autonomy, are central to the liberty protected by the Fourteenth Amendment. At the heart of liberty is the right to define one’s own concept of existence, of meaning, of the universe, and of the mystery of human life. Beliefs about these matters could not define the attributes of personhood were they formed under compulsion of the State.” Planned Parenthood of Southeastern Pa. v. Casey, 505 U. S. 833 (1992) quoted in Lawrence v. Texas, 539 U.S. 558 (2003)"

Pretty awesome, huh? Woodhull Executive Director Ricci Levy (right) is a member of the Polyamory Leadership Network and very well connected to the polyamory community. As such, all of we polyamorists have a connection with Woodhull, so it seems doubly appropriate to call your attention to tomorrow's festivities.

Another poly leader also participating in tomorrow's Sexual Freedom Day activities is New York City poly community organizer and attorney Diana Adams, Esq., (left) who will be one of six panelists to speak tomorrow afternoon to the topic "Sexual Outlaws: The Prohibition of Pleasure." Tomorrow evening I am attending a VIP reception hosted by Woodhull board members sex educator Nina Hartley (yes, THAT Nina Hartley, below left) and author Carol Queen (below right) of San Francisco's Center for Sex and Culture. After that there will be dinner and the presenting of the "Vicki" Sexual Freedom Awards to three deserving individuals whose work has substantially furthered the cause of sexual freedom. It promises to be a great day.

In 2010 Woodhull published the 163 page report, "State of Sexual Freedom in the United States" to which Deborah Anapol contributed and which is definitely worth the read. You can download the pdf of it for a (small if necessary) donation here .

Lest anyone wonder whether there will actually be any examples of sexual freedom associated with this event, a local friend is having a play party this weekend at which Nina Hartley will be a special guest, and all the proceeds go to support Woodhull. Nina is a friend and an awesome sex educator these days, and it will be fun to see her in, um, action, doing something that she does best - raising awareness of the importance of the mission of the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance.

I know times are tough and budgets are tight for a lot of people, but every donation, even a small one that you wish could be larger, will be greatly appreciated and put to good use on behalf of sexual freedom for everyone. Please think about supporting The Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance with whatever treasure you have to share. You can do this here.

My Excellent Summer Vacation, Part I - Polycamp NW

So it's back to school time, and I'm here to answer that time-honored question asked of students returning from summer break - what did you do on your summer vacation?  Somehow I doubt anyone answered quite like this.  Well, except for the kids who were at Polycamp NW, and there were a lot of those. 

Last October at the Poly Living conference I met Quintus, the organizer of Polycamp NW, a family-friendly camp event held at the Environmental Learning Center (ELC) in Millersylvania State Park near Olympia, WA.  The ELC is a wonderful private area nested under old growth cedar and fir trees near Deep Lake - breathtakingly beautiful!  Quintus invited me to present poly programs, I agreed, and I'm so glad I did. 

Seattle is one of my most favorite places with it's rocking poly/alternative community, it's natural beauty, and its rep as US studioglass mecca.  Usually looking at art glass is a must do activity for me when I visit Seattle, but this time I didn't buy any glass but instead spent my time with the wonderfully warm and loving local poly community, as well as many who came from Western Canada, Portland, Oregon, and other parts of the region.  The sun shone brightly and the weather was spectacular during my entire visit.    

Quintus's charming and handsome house mate Lydia (pronounced "li-DAY-uh", above right) picked me up at SEATAC, and we took the ferry across the sound to west Seattle.  There we found Quintus, his beautiful wife, Francisca, (above left) and his extended poly family in the final throes of preparing food and loading a van and two trucks with supplies and a huge abundance of fresh foods to feed the 195 people who would be in attendance.  And feed us they did.  His friend Doug did an awesome job as chef, he and the volunteers cooked up delicious, nutritious meals all weekend long. 

The weather was perfect and the drive south to Olympia spectacular!   I had a hard time focusing on my community organizing conversation with Quintus with a sweeping expanse of water on our right and Mount Ranier in all it's magesty floating on the horizon to our left. 

Anyway, we arrived early Friday afternoon and immediately started unloading and helping set up the large and well-equipped lodge kitchen. 

The program for the weekend was quite eclectic, partly on poly topics and partly on fun classes for families with kids.  It was so good to see so many families there and to know that the older kids had a place to be where their family was more similar to those of the other kids than is often so in the mainstream world.  The ever beautiful Cunning Minx gave a workshop on poly dating, and then she interviewed me for her latest Poly Weekly Podcast on advice for poly newbies.  I gave two workshops, one I call Emotional Edge Play:  Polyamory for BDSM/Leather/Fetish Folks, and a second on Poly/Mono relationships that got huge attendance. 

There was an adult cabin section that was set well apart from the cabins and camping area for families with kids, and that gave those interested in adult activities a place in which to pursue them.  There was a class on rope bondage and a good discussion on the latest in safer sex practices.  There were also activities at night for everone, including a talent show and a blues dance at which someone taught the adults how to do a very sexy, sultery dance to blues music.  Very hot stuff.   

It was SO lovely to reconnect with friends I hadn't seen in a while, like Minx, the Erosong family, Teresa Greenan, and Sue Tinney and Christopher Bingham of The Bone Poets Orchestra (formerly Gaia Consort).  Sue and I shared a ride back to Seattle, and I admit to developing a bit of a girl crush on her as we got to know each other better. 

I had such a great time at Polycamp NW.  Quintus and his dedicated team created a very happy space for 195 poly people and their kids to get together and revel in what it is that we all have in common.  It was worth the money and travel time, and this definitely won't be my last time at Polycamp NW.  Join me there next year, won't you?