Media Alert for the Polyamory Community

LovingMore is doing its best to get this message out to as much of the poly community as it can, and we appreciate your giving it your attention. As you can imagine, this incident is one of great concern in terms of how it may color public opinion about polyamory.

Anita Wagner
Member, LovingMore nonprofit Board of Directors

Robyn writes:

I thought this was important news that the poly community should know about. I was contacted by a reporter this week who is doing a story on a murder/suicide in North Carolina involving a poly triad. I have no idea what spin the media will put on this because, of course, these kinds of things never happen in monogamous relationships. I want everyone to be aware of this tragic news. It involved a married couple who, according to the wife, were living together with a woman for five years in a triad. The young woman who was 20 left the couple last week. The man, who was 34, went after her over the weekend, killed her and himself.

See the article in the Raleigh News & Observer.

This is a real tragedy that will most likely be played out as polyamory gone wrong. If what the wife is saying is true then they moved this girl in when she was 15. I pointed out to the reporter this was not your typical polyamory triad and did my best to give him information about polyamory and what it is about. I also let him know that Loving More does not condone 29 year old adults dating 15 year olds. I did point out that it can be a challenge to find therapy and help for poly people in rural areas with no support, especially when there are no therapists familiar with this relationship style.

With polyamory so much in the media there is the possibility this will be picked up nationally, especially to those who condemn polyamory. We all know this kind of tragedy happens in monogamous relationships, too.

If anyone is contacted about this by the media please let us know and feel free to call if you need help in answering them.

You are welcome to copy this message and pass it on to others.

Warmly,

Robyn Trask
Loving More
robyn@lovemore.com
303-543-7540

When We Don't Get Along with a Partner's Other Love

This week, Seattle columnist Mistress Matisse wrote, "... even when you're all committed to multiple love relationships, there are stumbling blocks. One that Max and I had to cope with is what happens when you don't get along with your partner's other lover."

I learned just this lesson and under very similar circumstances. Some years ago my partner, A, began a long distance relationship ("LDR") with someone new, B, about the same time he began his relationship with me. This all went fairly well for some years while theirs was an LDR, but then came the day when B moved to town and B and I found ourselves in each other's company fairly frequently, both as family and local poly community members.

I recall giving it my best, but it soon became clear that B and I hadn't much in common other than A. If A weren't in both our lives, I feel sure we would never have sought to be close. But because he wanted us all to be family and preferably a MFF triad, we tried our best. But it was not to be. Despite attempts on both our parts to establish warmth between us, there was often a certain amount of discomfort when we occupied the same space. Most attempts to communicate and establish rapport between us failed.

To some polyfolk polyamory is a philosophy, even a world view, in which everyone loves everyone. Some believe an inability to get along can be overcome if all involved are really willing. I don't. Some people just don't mesh. I can see how A could find redeeming qualities in B that would support their romantic relationship whereas I could not find much basis for relating to B as either lover or close friend.

What I did get, and clearly so did B, is that B and I, if we loved A well, were obligated to respect each other's place in his life and refrain from conflict and discord between us. We've talked about this and agreed that it is important, that we are family in a certain way, and I'm proud to say that this strategy has worked quite well and as intended. Though A had to accept something less than the triad he had hoped for, I think that B and I both feel good about how we've managed to make it work.

Poly people don't have to love and spend a lot of time with with their SO's OSOs, but we do have to respect their place in our SO's life and refrain from doing things that are harmful to the other SO and their relationship with our SO. Some polyfolk enter into poly life longing for a loving family, but creating one from SOs and OSOs isn't always a matter of pure will. Compatability matters across the board, and when two who share an SO find they don't especially enjoy each other's company, there is no reason they should have to force the subject. On the other hand, there is plenty of reason to demonstrate respect, as I believe both my and Mistress Matisse's stories illustrate.

Polyamory in Primetime Again?

Tonight I've seen promos for two of primetime's hottest shows, both on ABC, where lead characters declare "I'm in love with two people."

The first was Teri Hatcher's character, Susan, on Desperate Housewives. That episode airs Sunday 4/29/07 at 9:00 p.m. The second was T.R. Knight's character, George, on Grey's Anatomy in tonight's teaser for next week's show. (Airs next Thursday at 9:00 p.m.) In that case it seems that T.R.'s understandable real life concerns about homophobia on the set have indeed resulted in his leaving the show, which is a shame - in tonight's episode he told Izzy, the woman George loves in addition to his wife, Callie, he's taking a job at another hospital, his way of resolving his conflict over loving two women apparently.

Not too many months ago we saw polyamory and Lovingmore written in as a subplot device on Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip on NBC.

More where that came from, hopefully, and assuming they all treat the subject as fairly as NBC did.