The Etymology of Compersion

Yes, I took a break from blogging, but I'm back.  Today a college student working on a paper on polyamory wrote and asked me if I know what the etymology of the word Compersion is.  I knew its meaning, of course, and where it originated, but try as I might, I couldn't find anything more than that.  I even developed a workshop with handout on the subject which includes an article on the subject published by MyTango online, yet this particular question hadn't come up. 

We know that the word originated at the Kerista commune in Berkley, CA, which practiced polyfidelity and disbanded in the early 1990s. Franklin Veaux, a/k/a Tacit, gives the following definition in his Polyamory Glossary:

"COMPERSION: A feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship. Commentary: Compersion can be thought of as the opposite of 'jealousy;' it is a positive emotional reaction to a lover's other relationship. The term was coined by the Kerista Commune."

About Kerista, he comments:  "The Kerista Commune was an early advocate of polyamory, coining terms now common in the polyamorous community such as compersion and polyfidelity. The group eventually failed for a number of reasons, among them personality conflicts within the group, problems with financial management, an emphasis on fixed and inflexible sleeping schedules, and hostile attitudes toward bisexuality and homosexuality on the part of some members."

So we know what and where, but not the how of it.  Not being a language expert myself, the best I could come up with to answer this question is this.  I suspect that the "comp" part refers to compassion. "Per," according to the online etymology dictionary, means "through, across, beyond," and the suffix "sion" means "the condition or state of being" according to Wiki.Answers.com.  

So that gives us compersion - compassion beyond, across or through what is normally a block to positive emotion about such circumstances as a condition or state of being.  In this case the compassion is felt for our love and their love, i.e. the ability to feel a partner's joy across or through our relationship with that partner and be happy for it.  Wordsmiths are welcome to refine or correct as desired. 

Finding our Own Edge and Setting Personal Boundaries

This is by no means a full treatment of this subject, only a few thoughts to share. 

This past weekend I taught a new class on Compersion during which I said that when it comes to determining our own boundaries in the context of polyamorous relationships, most of us don't have a societal model to guide us.  So sometimes the only means of knowing how much of a kind of involvement or activity suits us and how much is too much is by intentionally pushing our boundaries past our comfort level.  That's not always a bad thing, and in this case it's pretty much a necessary thing. 

To take this boundary-setting concept a step further, there are plenty of polyamorous people (who to me are also spiritual warriors) who hold the philosophy that pushing our own boundaries is part of the experience, the adventure, and the fun of living a polyamorous life.  Many of us, especially when fairly new to polyamory, do just that as we reach beyond our societally programmed beliefs and assumptions around freedom (or lack thereof) of sexual relationship choice.

What prompted me to make this post is the following Hunter S. Thompson quote, which came to me via anthropologist Kate Frank, and which captures well what I am saying:

"The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over." Hunter S Thompson 

Compersion for Beginners on YourTango.com

There's a good article on compersion on the women's sex and love webzine YourTango.com. I love that this subject - something most people have never heard of or even imagined - is being explored on a women's mainstream venue. Too cool. It concludes with the following words:

These women are unapologetically happy with their non-monogamous relationships, and compersion appears to be a cherished benefit of this lifestyle. For these women, love is not a zero-sum game; it can be shared and enjoyed across multiple people in non-traditional formats.

It's great to be one of those women!

The Buzz on Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Woody Allen's just-released movie has the poly community all abuzz. Vicky Cristina Barcelona stars Javier Bardem, Penelope Cruz, Scarlett Johanssan, Rebecca Hall, and in a small roll, one of my favorite actresses, Patricia Clarkson.

This movie isn't really about a truly polyamorous relationship, but there are similarities. It's about two friends who spend the summer in Barcelona, where they are introduced to (and seduced by) a painter (Bardem), who has a passionate relationships with his ex wife (Cruz), one of those ongoing love-hate sorts of relationships. You know, can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. In the trailer below, Cruz is heard to say that it made her feel wonderful to hear her ex husband and his summer lover, Johanssan, making love. Sounds like compersion to me.

See Alan's Polyamory in the News post on a very recent article in the New York Daily News on threesomes inspired by the release of VCB, with links to the article.

VCB was a selected film for the Canne International Film Festival in May. It opened in the U.S. this past Friday, August 15. As a Woody Allen film, you know there's going to be sex, and there is, apparently including a caliente scene between Johanssan and Cruz ..... yum. Can't wait.