Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Polyamory Newbies, Sex and Sex Events

It occurs to me as I look at recent posts to this blog that I may be creating the impression that polyamory is all about sex, sex, sex, and that it would be appropriate for me to put that in proper perspective. Certainly many who don't know much about polyamory assume that this is all that we are about. Not so, not at all. We polyamorists first and foremost value and invest time and attention in our relationships. We pretty much have to if we want to keep them healthy. In reality, most polyamorists don't consider sex to be any more or less important to their relationships than monogamous people do.

The source of the sexual aspects of what you are seeing on this blog is my perspective on sex positivity and sexual freedom. It is largely based on the destructive, sex-negative thinking and messaging with which I was raised in the Bible belt. It set the stage for huge problems in both of my marriages and required not a little therapy to overcome in order to fully integrate sex and love in a way that enables me to nurture healthy intimate relationships. I am certainly not alone in my rejection of sex-negativity and embracing of sex-positivity. Many polyamorists choose to do the same, often for similar reasons.

For those who may be new to the idea of polyamory, this much sexual focus can raise concerns about just what they might be getting themselves into. Few if any of us are conditioned to think about sex in a positive way, and this much sexual freedom can feel overwhelming when first encountered. The task of getting one's head around how to conduct simultaneous multiple intimate, open, ethical and loving relationships is a challenge in and of itself, especially in the beginning.

Rest assured that you need not jump in with both feet. Consider your inquiries into polyamory to be explorational in nature. Take one step at a time, evaluate after each one, and don't think you must do anything you aren't ready to do or choose not to do. You certainly don't have to attend sex-focused events like Free Spirit Sacred Sexuality Beltane and Dark Odyssey to be polyamorous or to connect with poly community. Most local poly communities have social gatherings in restaurants and private homes where no sex takes place. Many regional poly gatherings, such as camping events, involve no nudity or sexual activites and are entirely family-friendly. You can bring the kids.

If you consider yourself a sex-positive person or would like to learn more about what sex-positivity looks like in action, you may wish to check out these fabulous events when you feel ready to do so. Certainly their organizers and volunteers work very hard to make them the incredible experiences that they are, and we who live in the mid-Atlantic region are fortunate indeed to have them happen so close by.

1 comment:

moscacojonera said...

i've translated this post and I will publish it on my blog very soon, maybe tomorrow saturday. Of course I've linked your blog and your post.