The Nature of Jealousy: The Whys and Hows and Whos

I'm researching jealousy in order to expand my understanding and teaching materials and write a book on the subject. I've presented a program on making peace with jealousy in polyamorous relationships probably 20 times or more over the last few years and have helped others deal with jealousy in their lives more times than I can count. So I've heard a lot of personal stories. What I know about the subject is partly from personal experience, partly from the experiences of others, and partly from what I've read from those who are experts in the field.

I even have references - check out Avah's comment to the blog entry on jealousy here. I've never before been referred to as "the sh*t", at least not to my knowledge and not in a good way. (grin)

It is well documented that jealousy is indeed hard wired into humans. Even Oprah's expert, Dr. Gail Saltz, said this on an episode that included a poly couple and recently re-aired. She actually acknowledged that humans are not hard wired for monogamy, but she cautioned that what we *are* hard wired for is jealousy and possessiveness. (More about the hard-wiring she references below.) The fact that jealousy is inate is observed even in little children, who must be taught to share toys, their mothers, etc. My daughter is preparing for that challenge with her entirely self-centered 2 y.o. (self-centeredness being consistent with what is known about 2 year olds and early childhood development) when the baby she is expecting arrives at the end of the year, for example.

My understanding thus far is that jealousy is a primitive emotion that originates in the amigdula, a/k/a the reptilian brain, which is also responsible for our fight or flight response. It developed/evolved as a protective mechanism over the millenia, with anthropologists believing it served primitive humans at a time when mates and resources necessary for safety and survival of the family and the species were scarce and the world was a very dangerous place. Yet survival of the species also depended on humans spreading their reproductive resources around in a very non-monogamous fashion. This explains how it is that we can quite happily have more than one mate ourselves while at the same time feeling uncomfortable sharing a mate with others. IT IS NOT A RATIONAL IMPULSE - but it is a human one.

It is also well documented that human biology hasn't changed over the millenia enough for it to make any noticeable difference as far as our base instincts and emotions are concerned. Certainly we are much more highly civilized than our ancient ancestors, and we can and do control our emotional and behavioral reactions to a large degree, but just about everyone struggles from time to time with the emotions that make up jealousy. They are a natural part of being human, but that doesn't mean we must remain at their mercy and have them ruin our relationships.

Also, that doesn't mean that everyone feels jealous. Some people, a minority, seem to be immune, and the reasons for that are not well understood. I suspect that those lucky people who don't experience it find polyamory especially appealing, and for obvious reasons, so it's not uncommon to encounter people in our community who say they never feel jealous. It's a lot less of a challenge for them.

Certainly social conditioning plays a role in how we experience and express jealousy. Our society reinforces it and even idolizes and makes a fetish of it in some ways. It tells us when we are little that there is one special person out there who we will find one day, who is our soul mate with whom we will live happily ever after. No wonder we get jealous when we perceive a threat after we think we've found "the one." Jealous partners are often encouraged to act out their anger, especially if they've been wronged by a partner who has broken a promise of monogamy. It's everywhere, in our popular music, movies, TV, books, magazines. In fact, it is so common and so much taken for granted that most of us don't even give it much thought when it is part of a story line. So as I like to say, we are all marinated in a culture that tell us from an early age that jealous feelings are OK and even justified. In some ways it is put up on a pedestal - as recently as the early 1970s, a man who killed his wife who he caught with another man was not guilty of murder in the State of Texas but instead of a lesser crime. (Women, however, WERE guilty of murder, hence another reason that law is now history.)

As to the part insecurity and low self-esteem play, yes, these are another layer of complexity in the way jealousy is expressed and resolved (though they are far from the sole source of jealous reactions and feelings, as I've illustrated above.) That's why in the program I give I talk a lot about making sure existing relationships are healthy and that all partners have reason to feel generally secure in their heart and in their partner(s)' love, no matter who else their partner may also love. I urge people to work on trust if there are trust issues, as these are incompatible with resolving jealousy. I also urge people who aren't very self aware to become so, and to engage in self-help and/or see a therapist to deal with any serious self-esteem and/or abandonment issues they may have. These are also incompatible with resolving jealousy. There is no reason for self-blame if these exist. Bad things happen to us, sometimes from experiences with former partners, with our parents, etc., that can set us up to feel insecure. It stinks, but it doesn't mean we have to live with it for the rest of our lives. But it does mean that with all the factors I reference here, these emotional issues can and likely will make managing jealousy in poly relationships a greater challenge than it would be otherwise.

The handout from my jealousy program can be found on my website under Downloadable Documents. As I learn more about the anthropological underpinnings of jealousy, I plan to add that information to it.