The Secret of Polyamory

Here’s a secret: If you and your partner have a solid relationship and each is committed to and values the other no matter who else enters the picture, then giving your partner the gift of freedom to love others, too, frequently causes them to love you even more for giving them this gift. The abundance of love they receive as a result of your generosity is likely to secure your place in their life far better than fits of anger and jealousy ever could. This is how it works in my life and the lives of many, many other polyamorists I know.

I feel significantly more secure in my primary relationship with T than I ever felt in either of my supposedly monogamous marriages where cheating led to a lot of heartbreak. T doesn't have to cheat if he feels a strong connection to another, and neither do I. Knowing that we have this option makes us both very happy and appreciative of each other.

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Poly Pride in NYC this Weekend!

I'm really looking forward to once again attending Poly Pride activities in NYC this weekend. The weather is predicted to be sunny and 80 degrees - perfect! There will be lots of friends to get together with and catch up. I'll have the honor of addressing those present on poly activism topics as well. They're brave folks indeed for giving me mic time! (Smile)

Many thanks to Justen Michael, Birgitte Philippides and the rest of the organizers for all their hard work. They've lined up a huge cuddle party Friday night and a great party on Saturday night, along with the main event, the Poly Pride Rally in Central park Saturday afternoon. Several of us who are poly activists will be pimping for LovingMore while there, including LovingMore executive director Robyn Trask.

I'm especially looking forward to seeing the Wet Spots perform - their witty and very adult compositions are not to be missed. I'm also looking forward to hearing Australian singer and poly-themed songwriter Penelope Swales whose local DC area performance for Chesapeake Polyamory Network I missed this last weekend - how great that I get a second chance!

Here's the lineup of speakers and entertainers - hope to see you there! It's going to be an experience like no other in terms of meeting cool polyfolk. And if you do attend, please introduce yourself and say hello.

Speakers:

Robyn Trask, from Loving More Magazine
Nan Wise (Poly Expert and Poly psychotherapist)
REiD Mihalko and Marcia Baczynski (Sex Educators/Relationship coaches, founders of Cuddleparty)
Ken Haslam, from the Kinsey Institue
Stephanie Sellars (NY Press sex columnist)
Diana Adams, Esq., Polyamory lawyer
Anita Wagner (Polyamory/Sexual Freedom Activist)
Barbara Foster, Letha Hadady, and Mike Foster (authors of Three In Love)
Julio Cortes


Entertainers:

Hedda Lettuce, Drag Comedienne
The Black and White Cookies, acoustic duo
The Wet Spots
Sean Graham, Comedian
Stephanie Sellars
Robin Renee and Jasmine
Shawna Hamic
Penelope Swales(polyamorous singer/songwriter from Australia)

22 September is Polyday in the U.K.

Our poly cohorts in the U.K. are holding their third annual Polyday celebration on 22 September in London. So here's your chance to hang with UK polylads and polylasses. Maybe you'll meet a potential partner, and their partners (which could become your "metamour(s)") and get all "frubbly." It's a bit of an LDR (Long distance relationship) from the States, but I've heard of worse.

When
Saturday 22 September 2007, from 10:30am. Discussion sessions will run until 6:45pm, with a disco in the evening from 8pm to midnight.

Where
Doggett's Coat and Badge, a large pub at the southern end of Blackfriars Bridge, London SE1 9UD. Nearest Tube: Blackfriars. (map and venue info)

How much
£10 for waged people and £5 for unwaged. There are no advance bookings; simply turn up and pay on the day.

See workshop and presenter details here.

Am I poly or mono if I am in a monogamous relationship?

Someone on the LiveJournal polyamory community posted this common question, as follows:

As my currently monogamous relationship grows, I am wondering how this affects my poly identity. My current partner is not poly, and that's not a problem for me. I'm trying to figure out [how] to negotiate my own identity. Because poly is something I can enjoy and grow from, I do see it's value and don't eliminate it as an option... but it isn't intrinsic to who I am or what I need. Does that mean I'm not poly? Am I a poly poser? :) Does anyone else shift between poly and mono relationships and if so do you always identify as poly?

I don't think this person is a poser at all. There is nothing inauthentic about her situation from what I can tell.

Indeed, many poly people see polyamory for themselves as an identity. I believe that being a poly person is not about what (or who - *g*) we are doing at any given time, but instead think it's more about what matters to us and what we are open to.

My personal definition of a polyamorist is a person with the desire and ability to love more than one person at at a time with openness and honesty with all involved. I don't consider a failure to embrace polyamory as essential to one's life to equate to a de facto monogamous identity. I can identify as a polyamorist and still choose under some circumstances to be in a monogamous relationship. A polyamorous nature and a monogamous relationship are not mutually exclusive.

Over the 12 years I've been a poly person, for a variety of reasons I've been through periods of time where I had only one partner. I'm not someone who collects partners simply because I'm a poly person. I approach my relationship configurations primarily from a perspective of what needs are or are not being met by the relationship or relationships I already have. If an important need arises and is going unmet, it is important to me that I be free to connect with others who might meet it.

It's also important to me to be able to act on a strong attraction if one comes along, since from my perspective, that person's entry into my life is a gift from the universe. But that doesn't happen all that often. If my needs are being met with my relationship(s) as they exist at present, I don't tend to go around looking for new partners.

Another way of putting it I've seen is that just like people who are gay don't stop being gay just because they aren't in a relationship with a same-sex partner, neither do poly people stop being poly people merely because they only have one partner, or none at all. I suppose this analogy works for me because I do identify as a poly person in terms of polyamory being an essential component of who I am. But I think it also applies to people who don't see themselves this way, so long as they still appreciate the benefits of polyamory and consider it an option.