Still Interested in Kamala Devi's Journey Beyond Monogamy?

If you missed yesterday's revolutionary call on love and liberation, here's the link to listen to it now free of charge.   It will only be available for the next week.  

If you live in southern California or will be in the area next week, Kamala is hosting a no-strings-attached open house on Oct. 23rd at 6:45 p.m. at the beautiful, sensual space and home she shares with her loves that you may have seen on Showtime's Polyamory: Married and Dating.  Experience her most powerful teachings on love and liberation!   

Pre-register here for the entire live Journey Beyond Monogamy course teleclass.  Note that the $100 discount for this course ends tonight, October 18 at midnight.  

You may wish to mark your calendar for these upcoming events:

Oct. 23rd Journey Beyond Monogamy Free Open House 

October 25th, San Diego Poly Potluck with guest speaker and Sex at Dawn co-author Christopher Ryan, Ph.D.

October 27th, Evolve Your Sexuality, with Kamala Devi and bestselling Sex at Dawn co-author Christopher Ryan, Ph.D. 

Free Love and Liberation Teleconference Tomorrow!

The more I get to know sex and relationships coach Kamala Devi of Showtime's Polyamory: Married and Dating, the more impressed I am with her approach to open relationships and the expertise and philosophy she has to share.  So I recommend without reservation her free Love and Liberation Teleconference which takes place less than 24 hours from now tomorrow, October 17, 2012 at 12PM PDT.  More than 250 people have signed up.  She's also going to give those who sign up a recording of the teleconference to share with loved ones and review again themselves. 

Participating in the free teleconference does not obligate you further.  However, you can find out more about the entire Beyond Monogamy series Kamala is offering and what it can do for your poly life - at an impressively affordable price, I must say - and sign up for the free telecon here. 

I think you will find that it's worth your time.  This is an opportunity for more in-depth learning about how to create happy poly relationships than you get from 90 minute in-person workshops.  Kamala is quite a resource. 

Open Marriage on the Fox Medical Drama, House

The concept of open marriage is gaining mainstream traction largely via Mo'Nique's recent admission about her open marriage to Barbara Walters. It seems that the default assumption is that an open marriage is designed to allow sexual flings without romance or commitment, so I'm just as glad the word polyamory wasn't used in last night's episode of the Fox medical drama, House. Here's the preview FYI.



You can also watch the episode here.  In the opening scene a woman is having sex with her lover when a knock comes at the hotel room door and it is her husband.  She had forgotten to sign a paper needed for one of their children that day.  But instead of all hell breaking loose, the husband is invited in, obviously feels awkward and says he's not sure how to behave under those circumstances. Nevertheless, he introduced himself to the lover and they shook hands very politely.  As soon as the husband leaves, the wife develops severe abdominal pain and sends her lover after her husband.  So far so good as to the open marriage story line.

Lots of conversation happened throughout the episode, so much that it seemed that the woman's mysterious illness was a subplot line.  It was strange that the medical staff kept asking their patient questions that were pretty rude and not necessary to make a diagnosis, but they did facilitate discussion about the problems with monogamy, even going so far as to one character saying it's unreasonable to expect our partner to meet all our needs forever.

Certainly the medical staff was curious, and one doctor named Taub who had apparently had repeated affairs (I don't watch this show normally) was inspired to bring the subject up with his wife, though in the ill-advised setting of a restaurant in public.  This resulted in his wife reluctantly granting him Thursday nights with the woman he works with whom he fancies, only later to withdraw her permission out of fear.  Instead of asking her to work on the reason for the fear, the husband immediate caves in and says he only wants her, only the next day to head off to his new love interest's apartment.

When the subject of open marriage first came up between Taub and his colleagues, he was the first one to condemn it, saying "A functional open marriage is like a unicorn. It's a mythical creature that doesn't exist."  Fail!  I'll have to hand it to the writers on that part of the story, apparently they know there are many hypocrits out there who are a lot more comfortable with cheating than with toughing out the transition to conducting their multiple relationships openly, honestly and ethically.

I felt very sorry for the patient's lover when he showed up at the hospital, flowers in hand, out of concern for his lover only to be greeted with hostility and orders by the husband to leave because he was intruding on their family.  Even his lover/the patient told him he should leave.  It said loudly and clearly that his relationship with her was to remain superficial and a low priority for her.  Add in that the lover was referred to at one point by one of the medical staff as the patient's "boy toy," and it became clear that it was OK to treat the extracurricular sexual liasson as cheap, tawdry, and not worthy of respect. 

I liked that the subject matter sparked a lot of conversation between a lot of different characters and that we heard a lot of the same discussions that poly people have, especially when starting to explore.  On the other hand, it seems that the writers decided to take the safe course and ultimately demonize open relationships, especially anyone who would have a sexual relationship with someone who is married, even if the married partner has permission. 

I think we can ultimately consider this a win due to it's power to reach millions and the likelihood that it will spark discussion amongst the viewers. Still, I look forward to the day when everyone gets to live happily ever after in the relationship structure that is best for them.

Mo'Nique's Open Marriage Admission Spawns Wider Coverage

It's very exciting to see what is happening in the media and online as a result of Mo'Nique's admission that she and husband Sidney have an open relationship. Here's my friend Jenny Block, author of Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage, in a Dallas TV interview on the subject which was just posted to the Dallas CW affiliate's website.  (The CW network serves younger adults.) And of course included is requisite marriage and family therapist expert, in this case Dr. Ross Stewart, who typically claims that since the marriages of all in open relationships he's counseled have failed, then open marriage is proven not to work. Why does it never occur to these people that theirs is a biased sample?? He doesn't see the people whose open marriages are working well for them. Duh.

 

If you are reading this on Facebook, you can see the video here.

Rick Warren References Multiple Partners In Laundry List of What is "Natural" but Wrong

If you've seen the news in the last 24 hours you've heard that Barak Obama has picked Rev. Rick Warren to offer the invocation at his inauguration, to no small amount of consternation on behalf of GLBTs and others who are vigilantly watching Obama's every move for evidence of inclusiveness. Marriage equality advocates are particularly appalled, due to Warren's opposition to same-sex marriage.

Interestingly, the U.S. News and World Report website says that "Warren, author of the bestselling Purpose-Driven Life and pastor of the Saddleback Church in Orange County, Calif., has sought to distance himself from Christian right leaders who frame evangelical political concerns mostly around fighting abortion rights and gay rights. At the same time, Warren opposes gay marriage and gay civil unions and has said that he objects to the homosexual lifestyle."

From a rational point of view, if, as the Time Magazine cover states, Warren is the most powerful evangelical in the country, doesn't it make sense that he would be chosen for such an honor as someone who clearly has the support and esteem of a significant segment of the population? It's a much more sizeable segment than the segment that is made up of we GLBTs. I just have to wonder about how those who seek inclusion can seriously challenge Obama's willingness for being inclusive when they aren't being inclusive of the people Obama includes. Seems kind of hypocritical to me, but don't get me wrong, I'm very supportive of marriage equality. After all, asking Warren to give the inaugural invocation hardly means Obama is in Warren's pocket,and I think it would be a mistake to read too much into this decision.

Maybe it's time to really recognize what Obama means when he promises to be inclusive ... to be a uniter and not a divider, and to be EVERYONE's president. He seems very wise to me to take that approach, and by taking it, yes, occasionally an evangelical who opposes what many of us advocate for on behalf of sexual minority groups is going to show up on the radar.

And all that said, I still have my concerns about Rev. Warren, who specifically spoke about multi-partner marriage in remarks to be aired tonight. This morning the Today Show broadcast a piece of teaser footage of Ann Curry's Dateline NBC interview with Rick Warren to be broadcast this evening. Feisty Ann challenged Warren's position on homosexuality and same sex marriage (one man one woman marriage only, if homosexuality is hard wired it must be resisted ....).

Ann asked: "Many of these gay people want to be married because they want to create families, they want to adopt children, they want to create a family that isn't about multiple partners bur about one."

Warren responded, "For 5,000 years, every single culture and every single religion has defined marriage as a man and a woman, not just Christianity, Judiasm, Islam, Hinduism, Budhism ..... Why take that word [marriage]? I even have gay friends like Al Rantel at KABC who is opposed to using the word marriage for a gay relationship. Use another term. I am opposed to marriage being used for a relationship between a sister and a brother. ... For an older man and a baby girl. .... For one man and six wives or one wife and six husbands. God said in Genesis one a man and a woman shall cling to each other for life ....

Warren also recited a laundry list of things that are "natural" to humans but must be resisted as wrong. Unfortunately that clip hasn't been posted by NBC and I can't recall all of it, but he included things like fear and other human emotions that can be problematic. What I heard was him advocating for rejecting our very humanity in the name of self-control. Sounded like horseshit to me. Would love to have your comments if you get to see Dateline tonight.

Jada Pinkett Smith is SO one of us ... and so is Will

DC's local NBC affiliate's website has video today of interviews with Will Smith and Rosario Dawson on their new film, Seven Pounds. Both discuss Will's nervousness about shooting the steamy love scenes between the two of them.

Apparently this is the first really hot sex scene Will has done. Hard to believe, I know, but apparently true. The interviewer was shocked to hear that Will wanted Jada to be on the set and watching when the scene was shot - which Rosario says he kept putting off until the end of production.

Will says he was very nervous about being in bed with Rosario and her being naked. He didn't want to touch the wrong place or do the wrong thing, and there are all those production people looking on to add to the stress. Sounds like he didn't want rumours getting back to Jada, which seems strange since it's common knowledge that they have an open relationship, at least in theory. In fact, the following is a direct quote from Will:

'In our marriage vows, we didn't say "forsaking all others". We said, "You will never hear I did something afterwards". Because if that happens, the relationship is destroyed.'

Will's also been quoted in the past saying that they have an agreement that if they sexually desire someone, they talk about it and go from there. He has also said that Jada is the queen of his life, and that as along as she is happy and he doesn't do anything to hurt her or make her unhappy, then yes, sexual flings are an option.

At first his reluctance and nervousness on the set seems inconsistent with that admission, but I imagine the burden for public figures is much greater in terms of getting attention from the press about anything that remotely smells of infidelity. I can see why he'd not want any rumors to be flying about that might upset his and Jada's agreement and introduce doubt about their agreement to be transparent to each other when they fancy someone else.

Jada *was* on the set, and she told Will in front of Rosario and others that ...

...he was not to embarrass her (by wimping out) and that he "had to bring it ..."

That Jada is one cool lady! Rosario says there was lots of tongue, and that she could tell it was permitted, though Jada didn't say so specifically.

I hate to think that Hollywood actors actually have to negotiate every move with their realtime loves when they do love scenes with others, but jealousy knows no boundaries when left on its own to do what it will. But of course, most of the movie set sex scenes are carried out with somebody really hot, so I guess it makes sense that it has very real power to push buttons.

Book Review: Opening Up by Tristan Taormino

Tristan Taormino is an over-achiever, a multifaceted woman with an impressive breadth of expertise and talent. She broke ground as an expert and author on anal sex for women, is a long-time editor of anthologies of lesbian erotica, and takes a unique reality approach as a porn director and producer. In her spare time she writes a regular sex column for the Village Voice called Pucker Up, and co-produces a twice yearly event, Dark Odyssey, where open minded people gather to explore tantra, polyamory, intimate communications, BDSM, and alternative lifestyles. To this already impressive list of accomplishments, Tristan now adds her latest book, Opening Up – a Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. At almost 350 pages, it leaves nothing out.

As a not especially kinky person who, as a service to the community, occasionally presents poly educational programs at BDSM events, I recognized quite some time ago a clear need for reliable, comprehensive, immediately available, contemporary polyamory resources written in terms to which kinky and queer people can relate. Tristan has written just such a resource.

I had the pleasure of consulting with Tristan and assisted with finding people to be interviewed. She already knew many from the kink and GLBT communities herself. The result is a book of amazing diversity. In fact, about the only people who may not quickly recognize themselves are mainstreamers. Even then, the information is appropriate and her advice is excellent no matter what your societal sphere.

I am also impressed with how thoroughly researched this book is. Tristan references sources well known to the polyamory community like Dossie Easton, Deborah Anapol, Ryam Nearing, Ron Mazur and Oberon Zell Ravenheart, as well as sociologists and anthropologists like Pepper Schwartz and Helen Fisher, researchers like David Barash and Judith Eve Lipton, Dorothy Tennov and the Constantines, to communications skills authors Brad Blanton and Marshall B. Rosenberg.

Section 1 includes chapters on the history of open relationships, including the roles played by pre-internet key parties, sex clubs, gay bathhouses and lesbian collectives, myths about nonmonogamy, how to determine if an open relationship is right for you, and what makes an open relationship work. In Section 2 Tristan deftly sorts out all of the various styles of open relationships from swinging to polyfidelity.

With these as a foundation, the chapters in Section 3 cover advice on designing your open relationship, jealousy, compersion, common challenges, and coping with change, followed by chapters on coming out, finding community, raising children in poly families, safer sex practices, and legal and practical issues.

This book is far from a dry technical manual. Throughout the book Tristan includes compelling quotes from and the personal stories of many of the 126 people she interviewed. These lend a valuable perspective by which the reader can identify and connect with the information and advice offered. She includes checklists and useful questions for negotiating relationship terms, as well as language and terms to help people who are new to open relationships get a handle on what kind of open relationship they want and are prepared to handle.

Several chapters particularly impressed me as especially thorough and accurate. These are the chapters on what makes an open relationship work, designing your relationship, compersion (which is the most comprehensive I’ve seen on that topic), coming out, raising children in open relationships, safer sex (also excellent!) and legal and practical matters.

On raising children in poly families, despite having none herself to my knowledge, Tristan really nails it. She wisely consulted and quotes attorney Valerie White who has considerable expertise and experience on this subject. Parents with children who are engaged in or thinking of engaging in an open relationship will find this chapter alone worth the purchase price. The same is true for anyone seeking clear and concise information on STIs and safer sex practices, and anyone seeking guidelines for dealing with the legal issues that arise for alternative relationships and families.

If all this weren’t already enough, this book is thoroughly annotated and includes statistics about the age, locale, gender, sexual orientation, relationship style, race and ethnicity, occupations, etc., of the interviewees. There is a comprehensive and up-to-date resource guide that includes a lengthy book list, (I have the impression that she’s read everyone of them!), a list of conferences and events, GLBT/queer resources, local, regional and national and international organizations, online groups, listservs and communities, professional directories, resources on research and activism, spirituality resources, and so on.

In addition to Tristan’s original website, Pucker Up, she has established a second website specifically on open relationships, aptly named Opening Up. This new website includes the resource list referenced above and a book excerpt, message boards, info on her book tour, and what she calls the Open List made up of professionals (therapists, social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists, consultants, relationship and life coaches, doctors, lawyers, etc.) who are experienced and knowledgeable about alternative sexuality and lifestyles, open relationships, polyamory, nonmonogamy, swinging, etc.

Opening Up is going to take its place alongside The Ethical Slut and Polyamory: the New Love Without Limits as essential reading on the bookshelf of anyone practicing polyamory or engaging in other kinds of open relationships.