Raising Kids in Non-Traditional Families

Yesterday Salon.com posted an article authored by Laird Harrison entitled Scenes from a Group Marriage. In it he articulates what it was like for him being raised in such a family as a boy. It wasn't all happy, but there were many benefits, as he demonstrates. His article also demonstrates how much need there is for resources for poly parents to learn how best to nurture their children in the face of changes in family structure.

Being the passionate poly advocate that I am, I spent a fair amount of time commenting to others' comments (as of this writing there are 127 of them) and clearing up misconceptions about polyamory and poly families. One commenter, Laurel962, is clearly passionate about traditional marriage and families and commented at length a number of times. The following is my most recent response to her.

Laurel962 wrote: "I know that a lot of people would like to get away from this, and maybe in the distant future (and gee, I hope I am dead by then!), men will get pregnant and gay couples will be able to have biological children with each other. Maybe triad marriages will be able to create chimera children composed of THREE sets of DNA."

My response: OK, get ready to keel over, then. I know a polyamorous triad of two women and one man who wanted to have a baby together. One of the women was already in menopause, and the other had fertility problems. She could gestate a baby but not conceive one. The grown daughter of the older wife donated eggs that were fertilized with the triad male's sperm in vitro and implanted into the womb of the younger triad wife. Today these three are the proud parents of six year old twins in a very stable, long-existing family. Having three parents makes caring for twins much easier. And of course, the twins are related by blood to all three parents.

Still breathing?? Sorry, I really don't mean to be disrespectful. It's just that it's time to accept that families come in many different forms and they are going to continue to do so, so you might as well get used to it.

"But until then, a child can ONLY EVER HAVE one real father and one real mother -- and no system is more ideal than to have that child concieved, born and raised by the loving, committed parents who created them out of their own unique DNA and are tied to that child by blood, history, family and genetics, as well as their own committment, responsiblity and yes, love."

Certainly it's often lovely when children grow up with their biological parents, and I would agree even optimal so long as there is no serious dysfunction within the family. But as I've demonstrated above, that doesn't necessarily mean their family must be limited to only two biological parents (or two parents, for that matter).

Neither does it mean that children cannot thrive without both biological parents. In the case of divorce, certainly there are some challenges, and how parents manage to continue to co-parent makes a huge difference.

As an example, I have one child, a daughter, who is now 31. I was divorced twice during her childhood, which I never wanted to happen, but it did. In the second marriage it wasn't my choice, and I left my first husband because he was emotionally abusive to me - I felt I couldn't risk her emotional health by continuing our marriage.

Both her father, who learned to control his own behavior around her, and her stepfather stayed involved in her life, which is true still today. She went to college, got an associates degree, a bachelor's degree, is now the mother of a two year old with another baby on the way. She is working on finishing her master's degree in security management (think Homeland Security), which she will have by the end of the year.

While her husband was deployed to Iraq four years ago, she enlisted in the Army herself, went to officer candidate school, became a commissioned officer and was honorably discharged at her request about eight months ago after attaining the rank of Captain.

Her husband (also a child of divorce) is a career Army non-commissioned officer who has served for ten years now. As an infantry squad leader he lead missions in the Sunni Triangle and came under fire every day for 14 months. Today he is responsible for some of the honor guard that carries out the ceremonial funeral duties at Arlington Cemetery, and they also attend the President at the White House. Last week he commanded the soldiers who attended the President while he laid the wreath at the tomb of the unknown soldiers at Arlington Cemetery.

I'm not pro-divorce - it's a painful and difficult experience - but I am saying that children can do just fine in less than perfect family circumstances, my own family being just one example.

PolyFamilies Drinking Game

Noel, a/k/a The Polyamorous Misanthrope, who it turns out is wickedly creative, has devised a drinking game based on the crazy stuff that has happened on the huge, 1,500+ member yahoogroup she frequents called PolyFamilies. It easily applies to many various online polyamory communities since we see this stuff in lots of places. I've just never seen anyone make a drinking game out of it. If it were to catch on, there'd be an awful lot of drunk poly people.

I especially enjoyed these:

Take one drink for anyone who says they've been dating three weeks, live on opposite sides of the country and use spousal titles for each other;

Take two drinks if anyone posts looking for a nice female third who doesn’t mind helping with the kids and likes three-ways;

-and last but not least-

Take two drinks every time someone thinks that Stranger in a Strange Land would work outside of fiction.

Anyone who decides to try it out is invited to let me know what happens - send pictures! (And kudos, Noel - thanks for the laughs.)

East Coast Polycamp

My partner, T, and I ended our move week by going to east coast polycamp for the weekend. This was the ninth year this event has been held at Yokum's Indian Village Campground at Seneca Rocks, West Virginia. It was so wonderful to see my polycamp poly friends. It's a sort of "Same time next year" gathering and family friendly. Polyfolk from Massachusetts to North Carolina brought their kids and we had potluck dinner cookouts in the picnic pavilion.

During the day people get together and go hiking, horseback riding, canoeing (water levels withstanding) and caving if we have an experienced caver present to lead and see to safety issues. On Saturday several of us went over to the lovely Seneca Rocks Discovery Center and heard a traditional bluegrass group perform. To my delight, they included Rocky Top in their set, which warmed this Tennessee girl's heart.

We also had a very nice adult group discussion on polyamory and relationship issues. That was a nice mix of experienced polys and poly newbies looking for all the info and support they can get - good for them.

This particular polycamp was blessed with an abundance of variety in terms of those with whom we shared the campground. On Friday night a group of Mennonites held an open air revival in one of the pavilions, which was probably the quietest revival I've ever witnessed, and being a southern girl, I've witnessed a few. In an ironic turn of events, on Saturday PETE' Fest was held, featuring "WV and VA's hottest Metal/Punk/ and Alt. Rock bands." Thank goodness we were camped at the opposite end of the campground, which made the sound level bearable. Some in our group weren't so well situated. This event went on from 4PM to midnight. Surely the wildest screams ever heard at Seneca Rocks took place on Saturday. We sat around the campfire Saturday night with heavy metal music in the background, and T's kids and our friends B and S decided that the screams were coming from the "Yokum yeti". It was a hilarious! And last but not least, there were lots of bikers around in anticipation of a huge bike rally that starts today in Canaan Valley about 20 miles away, so lots of bikers were staying in the cabins and motel.

Next year will be our tenth anniversary, so I imagine a lot more planning and promoting will take place as we try to make it the biggest and best east coast polycamp yet.

For those out west, there is a wonderful west coast polycamp held in the Seattle area this next weekend, August 10-12, 2007.

Oddly enough, our drive up to polycamp began by our witnessing a serious traffic accident which happened right in front of us - had we been two cars ahead, we'd have been hit head on instead of the unfortunate fellow who was. T and I jumped out of the car and ran to assist the injured. I have recently updated my CPR/First Aid training and was prepared to offer that kind of help, but it wasn't needed.

Both vehicles had only one occupant, and both had on seatbelts and their air bags had deployed. As a result, both were conscious and talking and seemed to have only minor injuries, despite the serious nature of the accident. T called 911 and we stuck around to comfort the injured until help arrived and to give a witness statement.

The man who caused the accident by crossing the center line appeared to me to be impaired, though I didn't smell alcohol on him. But the police removed an almost empty bottle of vodka from the vehicle, which certainly told the tale. Since T's teenagers, ages 15 and 17, were with us, it was a very graphic lesson on the perils of drinking and driving, one they both seemed to take quite seriously. They're both good kids, but such an experience still helps to bring home the point.