anita@practicalpolyamory.com has shared: The #1 Reason Why Men and Women Over 50 Cheat (It’s Not What You Think!)

Whew! The over 50 crowd's comments are brutal. It is very apparent from the comments that the idea that monogamy isn't natural scares people very badly indeed. It's a good article, though, and features a 28 minutes TED talk about why we cheat by ahropologist Helen Fisher Ph.D.- she's worth it. So what do you think of this article?  It also references Esther Perel's work - Matingin Captivity - in which she is quoted as saying that people in a long term relationship should deal with the urge to cheat by being creative in the bedroom, in essence making your long-time lover your "new" lover.  What do you think about this idea?
	The #1 Reason Why Men and Women Over 50 Cheat (It's Not What You Think!) Source: blog.aarp.org Your LifeAccording to Dr. Helen Fisher, the biological anthropologist, there is an ancient human tendency to partner and re-partner, which she calls the "four year itch."  A long time ago, it was ...

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Gaylen Moore on The Importance of Being Naughty: Exploring the Science of Erotic Diversity

Gaylen Moore is a graduate student in Cleveland who writes for examiner.com and styles himself the Cleveland Open Relationships Examiner. A few days ago he published a most excellent article, the title of which I reference in the title of this post. I highly recommend that you spend the time reading it. It isn't very long, he includes the latest scientific findings on what it is that drives us to pursue love and sex, and he puts much about the chemistry of love into proper poly context, if you will. The following two paragraphs are particularly enlightening:

One very interesting thing to know about prolactin [a hormone produced by both men and women during sex]: Scientists have discovered that proactin triggers stem cells in the brain to produce new neurons! If you see a headline saying "Sex makes your brain grow" – you can bet that prolactin is star of the show. People seeking treatments for victims of stroke and degenerative diseases like Huntington's, Parkinson's, and Alzheimers are hopeful that this research will lead to new treatment options. Advocates of more sexually liberal lifestyles are hoping that the good news about prolactin might lend credence to the belief that lots of good sex is a good thing, and thus liberal sexual lifestyles should not be stigmatized by prudish cultures. This is where polyamory, swinging, and "hot monogamy" come in.

The basic problem with long-term monogamy is that after a few years with the same person, the frequency of sex dwindles down to a trickle. If, in fact, an active sex life is good for your physical and mental health, then it seems that traditional monogamy might not be the best choice for long-term health. The problem with long-term monogamy is well-known to science, and there is even a term for it: the "Coolidge Effect." Scientists (who, as we know, love to study rats) have observed that after a lot of copulation with a particular female, a male rat will lose sexual interest in her. But if a new female comes along, he’ll perk right up and be happy to service her. It is well-known that the same effect applies to humans – and not just to males. Both men and women find it difficult to maintain a high level of sexual interest in their long-term mate. (If you have never heard the joke that is said to be the origin of the term "the Coolidge Effect," click here.) The problem generally is not that couples no longer love each other; the problem generally has more to do with the complex chemistry of sexual desire.

Love that Coolidge effect story, one that always amuses me whenever it is referenced.

I've written here before about the role of brain chemistry in how we love. I've sung the praises of research anthropologist Helen fisher, who continues her quest to understand how we love, and why. To more fully understand his premise, be sure to view the video at the bottom of Gaylen's post of a segment of Dr. Fisher's presentation at the TED conference in 2008 - it will be 16 minutes well spent. She will help you understand what it is about sexual and romantic love that drives us to such distraction as for many of us it in large measure is the source of our humanity and what makes our lives worth living.

As a polyamory advocate and educator, I sometimes find it vexing to try to explain what it is about we poly people that makes what we want a valid choice, especially to those who disapprove of us. There is more evidence to confirm what many of us know, that we polyamorists are frequently condemned for being naturally who we are. Understandable to a point, especially when one considers that who and what we are flies in the face of everything westerners have been told they ought to be.

If you agree with the evidence at hand (as do I), then despite the vehement disagreement even amongst polyamory advocates as to whether polyamory is choice or identity, it is clear that though some may choose polyamory and be just as capable of choosing and being happy with monogamy, for others of us polyamory is indeed who we are in the most human biological terms.

Our greatest hope for finding acceptance and understanding from those who require proof positive is the work of researchers like the awesome Helen Fisher. Perhaps the time will come when our preference for keeping long-term lovers while adding new ones instead of choosing serial monogamy will be better understood and even embraced by a more significant segment of society. Certainly it will if Helen Fisher has anything to do with it. One can always hope.

Dr. Helen Fisher: "We are capable of loving more than one person at a time."

I am amazed that I just came across this video of a speech lecturer, author and cultural anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher gave three years ago. I often reference her in my poly educational programs and her writings about how we love, and why. She has a real talent for explaining human sexuality and pair bonding with clarity, especially as to what chemicals are at work when we fall in love, pair bond, etc., their effects, and how that fits/has fit - or not - into social mores.

In this video Fisher talks about three brain systems, lust, romantic love, and attachment, and how it is that these don't always go together. At 17 minutes into the lecture, she says what I've longed to hear her say but have never heard her say so clearly and unequivocally, and that is that because these three brain systems aren't always connected to each other,

"...you can feel deep attachment to a long term partner WHILE you feel intense romantic love for somebody else WHILE you feel the sex drive for people unrelated to these other partners. In short, we are capable of loving more than one person at a time." (At which time the skies opened and angels sang!) "In fact you can lie in bed at night and swing from deep feelings of attachment for one person to deep feelings of romantic love for somebody else. It's as if there's a committee meeting going on in your head as you are trying to decide what to do, so I don't think honestly we are an animal that was built to be happy, I think we are an animal that was built to reproduce, and I think that any happiness we find we make, and I think however we can make good relationships with each other."

Which is what we polyamorists are doing and doing better and better as time passes.

Fisher spends a fair amount of time speaking generally about romantic love and relationships and also about the role for women in the future, all of which is very important and quite fascinating all by itself. If you can't wait to get to the poly part, you can jump forward to the 17 minute point. Enjoy!

By the way, the remarkable website where I found this is called "TED: Ideas Worth Spreading" and features the "18 minute talks of their lives" given by invited speakers to TED, which the website says, "... stands for Technology, Entertainment, Design. It started out (in 1984) as a conference bringing together people from those three worlds. Since then its scope has become ever broader. The annual conference now brings together the world's most fascinating thinkers and doers ..."

I am definitely looking forward to exploring more thoroughly what else it has to offer.

Having Your Kate and Edith, Too (plus your Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice and ...)

...is it normal for me to both want to seek loving relationships, and at the same time also desire more casual things? Is this taking "slut"hood to an extreme? Am i just a ho?

(Asked in an e-mail list discussion this week by a woman who lamented the struggle to reconcile her sexuality with societal norms.)

Ah the challenges of being a whole sexual being in a sex-negative culture! The answers depend on how you define normal. Normal doesn't always equal healthy, as it does not in this instance. As practices go, it is not especially normal in our society to act on the desire to have both committed sexually intimate relationships as well as more casual sexual encounters, because for centuries we've been taught (or more accurately, manipulated into believing) that sexual freedom is wrong, bad, sinful, unhealthy, etc., ESPECIALLY for women.

According to cultural anthropologists and biologists it is exceedingly normal for humans to pair bond non-exclusively. As humans evolved, non-exclusive pair bonding became ingrained deep in our DNA, a compulsion that historically supported the conceiving and raising of children at least until they are weaned. That's the pair-bonding part. As to the non-exclusively part, we are also compelled behaviorally from time-to-time to have other lovers. All of this is nature's way of better enhancing the likelihood of the survival of the species, i.e. by both pair bonding for the raising of children, but not so exclusively that we pass up opportunities to share our reproductive resources with others as well.

If you'd like to learn more about this, read the works of anthropologist Helen Fisher.

So, that's all well and good, but how do we reconcile our desires with the sex-negative culture in which we are all so thoroughly marinated? With polyamory still in the very early stages of becoming known in the mainstream, this is a challenge that practically all people new to polyamory face. The only one who can decide what works individually are the individuals who are affected. I personally don't think this woman has anything to be ashamed of so long as she always acts as lovingly and honestly as she can with her relationship partner(s) and herself. People who embrace their sexuality are to be admired, not criticized and villified. Bravo to her for being true to who she is and doing her best to live her life with authenticity.

And by the way, she is not at all unique in her desire for both multiple committed romantic relationships and lighter sexual ones. There are plenty of poly/swinger hybrids like her out there. A friend of mine calls them swollies. And with all due respect to my beloved poly community, I must say that when it comes to being whole, sex-positive women, few women embrace their sexuality as fully as do women in the swing community.

Bottom line - it's all good.