This Week on Savage Love: Dan Rejects Polyamorous as Identity

I have to admit I'm disappointed in Dan Savage today after reading his response to Polyamorous Polymath ("PP") in his latest column.  

Dan does not identify as polyamorous (he and hubby being "monogamish").  Instead of addressing PP's concerns, Dan quickly steps all over PP's idea that polyamory is his identity and not just a lifestyle.  Dan tells PP that polyamory is about what people do and not who they are.  In fact, he's vehement about that, and about polyamory not being a sexual orientation, which seems to be his supporting argument against polyamory as sexual identity.  (Protect your turf much, Dan?)

PP is a man who finds himself in a difficult poly/mono relationship trying to figure out how to give up polyamory in order to meet the ultimatum of his monogamous girlfriend.  PP loves her and doesn't want to have to give her up.  PP's dilemma is that he clearly believes that polyamory is a big piece of his identity, and agreeing to foresake all others feels like giving up who he is. 

PP has a tough choice to make.  Dan tries to make it sound like it's an easy one, a lifestyle choice, but he's wrong.  Many therapists would agree that giving up who we are to make someone happy is not a very healthy relationship strategy.  At some point it sounds a lot like codependence. 

Over the last 15 years I've met many, many polyamorous people for whom being polyamorous is to them about a lot more than what (or whom!) they do. They say emphatically that it's about who they are.  Many tried to live by mainstream society's monogamy rules because they thought they had to, but it chafed - a lot.  Many always felt like they were different and like they were the only ones who saw relationships differently.  We still have people come into our community who are delighted and relieved to have discovered they weren't alone after all. 

Is polyamory a sexual orientation?  Some will insist that it is not as to the traditional meaning of it.  Yet many polyamorists express themselves differently sexually, i.e. with more than one person at a time.  If not sexual orientation, then sexual relationship orientation or sexual relationship identity - that's how I refer to it, and I've done so for some years now. 

I expect that this point will be made much more frequently in the future as research under way now gives us more scientific insight into such questions. In the meantime, I hope Dan catches up soon because his advice basically says to PP that his identity isn't valid.  I have to wonder how Dan would feel if someone told him his identity isn't valid. 

ABA Journal: Are Laws Barring Polygamy Destined to Fall? Law Prof Defends Marriage of Two

And so it begins.  Legal same sex marriage is at its tipping point, and that means it won't be long before multi-partner marriage will be debated more seriously in the US than ever before.  Heres the link to an American Bar Association Journal article pointed out to me by Matthew C. Berntsen, Esq.

Are Laws Barring Polygamy Destined to Fall? Law Prof Defends Marriage of Two

John Witte Jr., is director of the Center for the Study of Law and Religion at Emory University, and author of a forthcoming title, “Why Two in One Flesh: The Western Case for Monogamy over Polygamy.”   The ABA Journal article discusses a piece Mr. Witte authored entitled "Why Monogamy is Natural"  (how many times have we heard that one???) and published by the Washington Post last month in it's Guest Voices blog for "Other Views on Faith and Its Impact on the News."  It seems to me to demonstrate Witte to be a fundamentalist Christian first and a law professor second.  He relies only on information that is the standard party line according to the likes of the The Institute for American Values, the primary home of leaders of the (traditional) marriage movement.  Perhaps we should ship him a copy of Sex at Dawn.  And a couple dozen for him to share. 

My comment on the ABA article is WAY down the list at #126, in which I say:

Mr. Witte needs to do his homework. There are significant numbers of people today who practice egalitarian polyamory. They are not fundamentalist Mormons, and their relationships have nothing to do with religion. Community standards are very much based on equality for all those involved. Many polyamorists have long-term love relationships that last decades. Those whose families live in households of more than two adults find that there is more abundance of everything - more income, more love and support, more hands to care for sick partners and children.

So when the time comes and the question of multi-partner marriage is addressed by the law in the U.S., there will be a great many people standing up and pointing out that if it is decided purely on the question of issues that are irrelevant to the non-religious, egalitarian polyamorous population, a great injustice will be done by denying the fundamental human right of family to those who love and commit to more than one adult, and in so doing, harm no one.

For the record, the Canadian case referenced in another comment included an intervenor non-profit group given status by the Court, the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association.

Man Man Beaver (No, not THAT kind of beaver!)

Man Man Beaver is a new web-based animated series described as follows: 

"Following California's legalization of gay marriage and, logically then [because the slippery slope argument really is logical as to rights of consenting adult human beings, and we poly people are fine with that], every conceivable sexual pairing and so called perversion, a 'couple' comprised of two gay men and man-sized, talking beaver relocate into the state to finally live openly and take on idiocy and narrow-minded buffoonery each week...all while surviving the unique challenges of their married life. An animated satire series."

Check it out and let me know what you think in comments below - enjoy! 



Episode 1: "I'm With The Black Guy" from Man Man Beaver on Vimeo.

anita@practicalpolyamory.com has shared: The #1 Reason Why Men and Women Over 50 Cheat (It’s Not What You Think!)

Whew! The over 50 crowd's comments are brutal. It is very apparent from the comments that the idea that monogamy isn't natural scares people very badly indeed. It's a good article, though, and features a 28 minutes TED talk about why we cheat by ahropologist Helen Fisher Ph.D.- she's worth it. So what do you think of this article?  It also references Esther Perel's work - Matingin Captivity - in which she is quoted as saying that people in a long term relationship should deal with the urge to cheat by being creative in the bedroom, in essence making your long-time lover your "new" lover.  What do you think about this idea?
	The #1 Reason Why Men and Women Over 50 Cheat (It's Not What You Think!) Source: blog.aarp.org Your LifeAccording to Dr. Helen Fisher, the biological anthropologist, there is an ancient human tendency to partner and re-partner, which she calls the "four year itch."  A long time ago, it was ...

anita@practicalpolyamory.com sent this using ShareThis. Please note that ShareThis does not verify the ownership of this email address.

Did Human Evolution Favor Monogamy or Polygamy?

This content was sent by Anita Wagner Illig using Format Dynamics' eco-friendly CleanPrint/Save. Enjoy! Message: A very good article that pretty well declares that we humans are monogmmish, a term sex columnist Dan Savage coined to describe his relationship with his husband. This writer acknowledges the research and informed opinions of Christopher Ryan Ph.D. and Cacilda Jetha, Ph.D. in their book, Sex at Dawn, which he acknowledges have certainly received more than their share of controversy. People really do get upset when we talk honestly on this subject. Which is why I love seeing this kind of article because they help establish legitimacy for the polyamory world in other people's minds. Hey, a girl can dream, right?   Did Human Evolution Favor Monogamy or Polygamy? Did Human Evolution Favor Monogamy or Polygamy? By Daniel Engber | Posted Tuesday, Oct. 9, 2012, at 11:08 AM ET | Posted Tuesday, Oct. 9, 2012, at 11:08 AM ET Are Humans Monogamous or Polygamous? Read more...

See Me Bare It All Next Wednesday at Bare! in DC

If you like a good bawdy story or six, are in the metro DC area and feel like coming out and cheering me on, I'll be getting my naughty story cherry popped at "Bare! true stories of sex, desire, and romance," next Wednesday, November 7 at: 

 

Black Fox Lounge, 1723 Connecticut Avenue NW, Washington, D.C. 20009  202/483-1723

$8 door. ASL Interpretation available on request.

This month Jefferson and his cohort have chosen storytellers who will reveal the choices that have left us with terms of elation, regret or resignation:  Vijai Nathan, Kevin T Phillips, Anita Wagner Illig and two New Yorkers, Kambri Crews and Lisa Kirchner.  

Each month, Bare! brings together storytellers, comedians, sex educators and others to share true tales from their own experiences of sex, desire and romance. With stories as diverse as the people telling them, Bare! opens doors to bedrooms, back seats and dungeons to tell what your mama left out about the birds, bees and in-betweens.

Hosted by Jefferson (One Life Take Two, Spill!)

. . . and more! You’ve made choices, good or bad, or had them made for you. Put your name in the hat for a chance to bare all on the Bare! stage.

. . . and still more! Everyone is eligible to win a sex-toy raffle courtesy of The Garden.

Amy Shiner on Huffington Post: A "Deli" Approach to Polyamory

Huffington Post Gay Voices Blogger Amy Shiner tells a story there about being kinky and poly that I think will resonate for many living their lives similarly.  As I offered in comments, I've been working with kinky poly people as an educator for a while now, and I've observed what she describes fairly often. Today the practice of polyamory in kink circles seems to be all over the place, some of which does not much resemble polyamory to me, but far be it from me to tell anyone how they ought to identify.   

 What I do know is that humans are genetically programmed to pair bond - just not exclusively.  I am very much one who wants and needs such a relationship foundation in my life. This innate desire transcends polyamory and monogamy and speaks to the roots of who we are as human beings.  It's an evolutionary strategy so as to produce offspring and better guarantee the survival of humankind.  This doesn't take into account whether we are fertile, whether we want to have children, or even over-population.  It just is.  It seems clear to me that Amy is perhaps no different from many other people. 

Certainly not everyone wants this, but many do, if not most.  In order to find such a relationship partner, I recommend focusing on those who are emotionally available for engaging in deeply pair bonded, committed long-term love relationships.  Those already committed to someone may not be able to offer enough of the time and attention needed by many, so those who are also single-ish like Amy is right now may be a better choice. 

Those who are interested in finding out more about creating a kinky poly life may wish to check out my workshop handout entitled "Emotional Edge Play: Polyamory for BDSM/Leather/Fetish Folk" for more on this.