Taormino says to 'be proud of who you are' - News

Taormino says to 'be proud of who you are' - News

This is a victory over the slut shaming Oregon State University Administration's cancelling Tristan Taormino's keynote speech only a week or so before a conference on sex being held there due to her website content and that she is a porn producer. I am so proud of Tristan. No matter how many lemons life hands her, she always makes kickass lemonade.

Oregon State Uninvites Tristan Taormino as Keynote Speaker

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More on Sex Addiction in Sex-positive Culture

I've been talking about this subject online in several different forums, and wow, does it make some people cranky - not only that, but some also outright reject the idea that sex addiction even exists. If only.

As irritating as it is to know how much criticism and false accusations are made toward we in the sex-positive world, it's easy to question the concept of sex addiction. But it's a very real emotional illness for a lot of people that eventually turns their world upside down. Many desperately wish they could stop but find that they can't. Instead they compulsively take greater and greater amounts of risk to get a very temporary sense of satisfaction that soon turns to guilt and shame. There is a general sense that if people *really* knew who they were, they would be rejected and ostracized.

This is not just true of vanilla mainstreamers but is also just as true for some in the sex-positive world. In many cases our more open attitudes is what draws sex addicts to the BDSM, swing and polyamory communities. It's a cycle that keeps repeating itself as feelings of shame cause anxiety to build which acts as a trigger to act out again. And around and around it goes.

The risks are significant:

• Getting STIs and bringing them home to unsuspecting partners;

• Being arrested having public sex or hiring a pro off the street;

• Getting caught surfing porn and masturbating at work and losing one's job;

• The financial drain on the family by paying for pros, porn, phone sex, etc.;

• Loss of time spent acting out needed for maintaining healthy relationships;

• Humiliation at having one's addiction publicly exposed - you don't have to be Tiger Woods or David Duchovny to have that problem - and to friends and family; and

• Risk of losing intimate partners who feel betrayed about what has been going on without their knowledge or consent.

Sex addiction is growing at a rapid pace due to the easy availability of sexual goods, services and hookups via the internet. Yes, we all know that these can be used in healthy ways. If you do any of this and it doesn't cause you problems, they you aren't a sex addict. You're sex positive - good for you!

Still, this affliction most definitely exists in our own communities, likely in much larger numbers than any of us suspect. It doesn't get talked about by the addicts because of fear of being ostracized.  Their partners don't talk about it due to the shame and self-doubt it raises for them about their own desirability. Codependence is rampant, just as much as with any other kind of addiction.

This is not to raise fear but instead awareness and compassion for those who suffer from feeling out of control around their sexuality, and for their partners who must find a way to deal with betrayal and doubt about themselves and about their partner's love and commitment. If you are an SA or the partner of one and would like to talk, confidentiality is assured, just drop me a line at anita.wagner@practicalpolyamory.com

Polyamory and Sex Addiction

I have recently developed an interest in learning more about the subject of sex addiction/compulsion in the context of a poly, sex-positive existence. If you have experience with this and would be interested in sharing your experience with me, please contact me at anita.wagner@practicalpolyamory.com Your story will be kept confidential. Hopefully together we can develop resources to serve those who find themselves in this difficult situation.


For the record, I am well aware of the controversy surrounding sex addiction - some call it sexual compulsion instead and believe that it should not be pathologized as its own DSM diagnosis when it is really likely a form of obsessive/compulsive disorder. They also worry that SA having its own diagnosis will lead to its being misapplied, especially by therapists trying to make a buck off the health insurance industry, which often requires a specific DSM diagnosis before it will pay claims for SAs in treatment.


It has come to my attention that there are those amongst us who suffer mightily from this affliction, be they the addict or the addict's partner(s), and usually in secrecy due to shame. There is a lot of shame and secrecy around it for all SAs and their partners. And traditional means of treating sex addiction require a sexual diet that consists only on sex with one's primary partner in private, no porn watching, and no masturbation. Certainly no sex parties or sex-positive events.


Even sex-positive, poly-friendly therapists are known to give this status quo edict, though SA's are also in some 12 step programs encouraged to create the sexual and relationship scenario that works for them and is stable and manageable, rather than shame-laden and unmanageable. And the poly partners of SAs are sometimes not well received in support groups for partners of SAs, most of whom have/had an expectation of monogamy and are even traumatized in some cases by their discovery that their SA partner acts out by viewing porn and masturbating. It's not common for mono partners of SAs to approve of this and perceive it to be about some failure on their part. This cultural dichotomy leaves the poly SA and their partners feeling further isolated and alone and in need of support, as well as misunderstood.


So if you have experience in this area or know someone who does and can refer me to them or them to me, would love to hear from you and/or them - thanks!

Rebuilding Blog Links - Should Yours Be Listed?

Unfortunately the blog service Blogrolling has gone dark for good, and that's where my blogroll came from, so I lost all my links. I'm working on creating a new blogroll using blogger's gadget. If you have a polyamory blog you update reasonably regularly, please post a comment here with a link and I'll check it out. Thanks!

I ♥ (Polyamorous) Nina Hartley - Let's Send Her Some Love!

I have been a big fan of former porn star and sex educator Nina Hartley for a long time. I'm pretty sure it was her girl/girl work in the 1980s that raised my awareness of my own bisexuality. Fast forward 25 years, and today I can call Nina friend, having met and gotten to know her as a sex/relationship ed colleague at Dark Odyssey Summer Camp.

Nina lives in Los Angeles, is in a polyamorous relationship with her husband, Ernest, and she is just as beautiful and lively and passionate in person as na educator as she is on film. She has the tremendous knack of putting people at ease about their qualms about their own sexuality.  I've attended several of her workshops and always leave with information I use to enhance my sex life in some way. 

As a testament to her sex education work, I recently hosted in my home a group of bisexual women for a monthly gathering, and we watched "Nina Hartley's Guide to Sex for the Bi-Curious Woman" on the big screen. Everyone loved it and left feeling much more confident about how to please the woman of their dreams.

So, when I learned that Nina is having surgery soon and that she is going to lose a lot of the income she needs to survive during her recovery, I knew I had to step up and make a donation to the fundraiser currently being conducted in her honor and for her benefit. Won't you make one, too? No amount is too small, and you can make it anonymously if you are shy. You will be supporting sex-positive sex education and sending some love and gratitude to Nina for all she does to help others have satisfying sex lives.

The Etymology of Compersion

Yes, I took a break from blogging, but I'm back.  Today a college student working on a paper on polyamory wrote and asked me if I know what the etymology of the word Compersion is.  I knew its meaning, of course, and where it originated, but try as I might, I couldn't find anything more than that.  I even developed a workshop with handout on the subject which includes an article on the subject published by MyTango online, yet this particular question hadn't come up. 

We know that the word originated at the Kerista commune in Berkley, CA, which practiced polyfidelity and disbanded in the early 1990s. Franklin Veaux, a/k/a Tacit, gives the following definition in his Polyamory Glossary:

"COMPERSION: A feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship. Commentary: Compersion can be thought of as the opposite of 'jealousy;' it is a positive emotional reaction to a lover's other relationship. The term was coined by the Kerista Commune."

About Kerista, he comments:  "The Kerista Commune was an early advocate of polyamory, coining terms now common in the polyamorous community such as compersion and polyfidelity. The group eventually failed for a number of reasons, among them personality conflicts within the group, problems with financial management, an emphasis on fixed and inflexible sleeping schedules, and hostile attitudes toward bisexuality and homosexuality on the part of some members."

So we know what and where, but not the how of it.  Not being a language expert myself, the best I could come up with to answer this question is this.  I suspect that the "comp" part refers to compassion. "Per," according to the online etymology dictionary, means "through, across, beyond," and the suffix "sion" means "the condition or state of being" according to Wiki.Answers.com.  

So that gives us compersion - compassion beyond, across or through what is normally a block to positive emotion about such circumstances as a condition or state of being.  In this case the compassion is felt for our love and their love, i.e. the ability to feel a partner's joy across or through our relationship with that partner and be happy for it.  Wordsmiths are welcome to refine or correct as desired.